I’ve been suffering from terrible constipation of late

Dear Holly,

I’ve been suffering from terrible constipation of late, interspersed with violent bouts of explosive diarrhea. It’s very embarrassing and slightly at odds with my teenage heart-throb status. Do you think I’m eating too many eggs?

Harry Styles

London 

holly2111111Dear Harry,

Have you ever noticed that teachers never need to go to the toilet, ever? When was the last time you saw one coming out of a toilet cubicle, or excusing themselves from maths lessons? Weird huh? And they don’t go at playtime either because they’re endlessly stalking the corridors or the playground looking for naughty kids to reprimand. It’s like in their quest to be the ultimate teacher they have sacrificed a part of their humanity. Sophie Scruggs from year 10 says at teacher training college new teachers have to undergo a special operation to seal up their bumhole, thus ensuring they will never have to suddenly leave the classroom for a call of nature and risk returning to find some anonymous artist has drawn a massive willy on the blackboard.

Hope that helps!

Holly