Mental relaxation has affected my bottom

Dear Holly,

Being intensely relaxed has a downside. Although it means I can stop worrying about immigration, the physical side-effect is hellish flatulence. I can’t even get up from a chair without letting one rip. Any suggestions?

Vince Cable


holly2111111Dear Vince,

You wouldn’t do well in my school because farting isn’t allowed, especially not on other people’s heads. I know this because I was once sitting doing up my shoes after lunch and a fat boy called John Smart came over and farted on my head. Grown up ladies are always moaning about the glass ceiling and gender inequality in the workplace, but school is where the real hardcore battle against misogyny takes place. Just like Emily Davison I’ve taken one for the team. At least Emily Davison didn’t have to wash her hair with Pantene Extra Strength five times just to remove the stench.

Hope that helps!