My main talent is having a big gob

Dear Holly,

The other day I had nothing interesting to say and ended up publicly announcing my retirement by mistake. I’ve since realised that my main talent is having a big gob. A move into politics would seem logical; do you agree? 

Justin Bieber

Los Angeles

Dear Justin,

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried ‘wolf’? Basically it’s a story that grown ups like to tell kids to make them think that telling naughty lies to get attention results in you being socially ostracised and then potentially mauled to death by a large predator along with all your sheep. But don’t worry, the true moral of the story is that if you try to teach children behavioural norms via Aesop’s fables, they’ll probably point and laugh at you and then put a Post-It on your back which says ‘big fat jobby-womble’.

Hope that helps!


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Plastic banknotes to feature Hitler

TRADITIONALISTS are in uproar after it emerged that the new plastic banknotes will carry Hitler’s image.

The new polymer £5 and £10 notes will be cheaper to produce, more durable and have a Third Reich theme.

A Bank of England spokesman said: “Everyone always moans bitterly when we change the size, shape or texture of currency, as if it really makes any fucking difference.

“It annoys us very much so we decided to deliberately antagonise the general public, just for our own perverse amusement.

“Serves you all right for bitching so hard when we made 5ps a bit smaller.”

56-year-old Norman Steele said: “I don’t see what was wrong with the old notes that didn’t have Hitler on them. Why do they have to keep changing everything?”

Teacher Tom Logan said: “This is terrible. I mean, would it be too much to ask to have a less obvious Nazi like Adolf Eichmann, Joseph Goebbels or Klaus Barbie?

“Everything has to be so dumbed down these days.”