Fracking thing starting to feel completely insane

THE search for shale gas in the UK is beginning to feel as if it might be psychotic, it has emerged.

As well as shattering the earth’s crust with giant machines and pumping the massive cracks full of chemicals, the government has revealed it is going to happen everywhere.

A shale gas map of the UK shows that fracking companies can set up a gigantic drill wherever they want and then start battering away like a crazy monkey with a hammer.

A government spokesman said: “We’ve also assured the fracking companies that they don’t have to give you any warning. They’ll just turn up outside your house and blast their horns so loud that you’ll pee your pants.”

Tom Logan, one of 58 million people who now live on top of a drilling site, said: “I was okay with it when it was just about smashing the absolute shit out of a small corner of the country.

“At that point it seemed only slightly unhinged.”

Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron pledged to visit each fracking site, where he will strip to the waist and then jump up and down, screaming like a rabid baboon as he urges the drill ever deeper into the bowels of the earth.

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All toys now for adults only

TOY shops are to stop under-18s from buying their goods so they can go to collectors who properly appreciate them.

Market research has shown that children not only remove toys from their boxes but use them in imaginative non-canonical games and even lose bits, making them impossible to sell on eBay.

Adult Star Wars obsessive Tom Booker said: “My four-year-old nephew had Boba Fett and Anakin Skywalker fighting – as if they could possibly exist in the same timeframe.

“These toys are made to be displayed on bespoke shelving units, their value accreting as their vinyl remains untarnished, not to be molested by some tiny maniac’s sticky paws.”

Bewildered mother Francesca Ryan said: “My son likes Batman on the telly, so I thought I’d get him some toys for Christmas.

“I soon found myself lost in a baffling wasteland of exclusive variants, wave three release schedules, and limited Comicon-only plush bobbleheads.

“I’ve bought him a PS4 and Call of Duty instead, so he can hang out with his peers in a world of endless, hyper-graphic violence and keep well away from those toy shop weirdos.”

My Little Pony collector Nathan Muir said: “What would a child want with my premium detail 1:85 scale Double Midnight variant Princess Twilight Sparkle figure?

“Just look at the swelling curve of her lilac flank, the provocative indigo of her lustrous mane, the lascivious flare of her nostrils. This little minx is very definitely adult-only.”