My two-faced 'friend' has been spying on me

Dear Holly,

I’ve recently discovered that someone who I thought was a friend is a two-faced snake who has been spying on me. My security people tell me it’s to do with state secrets but I know full well he’s after my granny’s secret recipe for Apple strudel; his wife was green with envy last time I served it up. How can I ever trust my friend again?


Dear Angela,

Don’t be too quick to judge your friend. When you’re the youngest in the family like me, no-one ever tells you anything, so sometimes your only option is to hide in the wardrobe and listen in. However, if you’re going to engage in covert operations you need to be prepared for some shocking truths. For example: Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny are nothing but cynical corporate fabrications; none of the grown-ups in charge, including the Prime Minister, has a clue how to run the country; and also your granny was caught shoplifting from Ann Summers again.

Hope that helps!

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Children evil

CHILDREN’S love of Halloween proves that they are innately evil, it has been claimed.

Youngsters are preparing to dress up and indulge their chillingly amoral selves in a night of sadism.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “As a society we idolise children, but it is arguable whether they are even human.

“In their hearts they are evil, which is why when they get their own special night of ‘fun’ they choose to spend it celebrating the occult, extorting goods from elderly spinsters and vandalising property.

“Halloween is proof, if any were needed, that all children should be put on an island until they are old enough to understand that dismembering animals is not a leisure activity.”

He added: “We think kids are cute but it’s just because they’re small. If they could look after themselves they’d kill every one of us today.”

Seven-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I like Halloween because it is scary and fun. My favourite monsters are witches.

“The old lady down the road is a witch. Her husband died of a heart attack, because she put a spell on him.

“Tonight we will get her. Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

“Now give me some sweets or I will harm you.”