Tablet computers 'under too much pressure to be thin'

TABLET computers have attacked their makers’ obsession with slender bodies.

Apple’s new iPad Air weighs a mere 469g, which many older tablets say is dangerously light.

Original iPad Mary Fisher said: “This deadly obsession with a narrow profile and light weight is fuelling fragility, as well as negative body image among older hardware.

“Users want a solid, natural-looking machine with plenty to grip onto.

“I’m not being bitchy but iPad Air looks like a big credit card. It’s just not sexy.”

'Trick or treat' supplies already eaten

BRITONS have already eaten the massive amount of sweets they ostensibly bought for trick or treaters.

Despite buying a gratuitous amount of sugary snacks ‘in case any kids knock on the door’, households across the UK reported having consumed the lot.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I thought I was being excessive spending £217 on ghost-shaped Haribo, especially as we live in an 11th floor flat.

“It was almost as if I was subconsciously using Halloween as an excuse to buy sickening amounts of sugary things.

“Anyway I thought I’d better sample one in case it had any dangerous additives and now I’ve eaten the fucking lot.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “We had a well-stocked trick or treat cupboard, but voices in my head kept saying ‘eat another handful of cola bottles’. At first I thought it was my own greed speaking but then I realised it might be powerful Halloween ghosts, so I thought it best to do their bidding.

“The foiled-wrapped chocolate eyeballs full of fondant blood were especially good.”