Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Dear Holly,

My wife and I are new to our community and are thinking about how we can get to know our neighbours. Obviously, the first thing that springs to mind is burglary, but we’re not sure if that’s everyone’s bag, especially the old lady next door. Any suggestions? 


Dear Sylvester,

Have you considered inviting people round to your house to play something jolly like the ouija board? Me and my friends love nothing more than getting together to contact the devil and put some curses on people we hate, like Caroline Flack. Not many people know this, but Caroline Flack has recently acquired seventeen bumholes all over her body thanks to our most recent communications with Satan. Imagine the mess when she gets diarrhoea! So far she’s managed to keep her dreadful secret under wraps, but we’re always monitoring Heat magazine just in case.

Hope that helps,