Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Dear Holly,

My wife and I are new to our community and are thinking about how we can get to know our neighbours. Obviously, the first thing that springs to mind is burglary, but we’re not sure if that’s everyone’s bag, especially the old lady next door. Any suggestions? 


Dear Sylvester,

Have you considered inviting people round to your house to play something jolly like the ouija board? Me and my friends love nothing more than getting together to contact the devil and put some curses on people we hate, like Caroline Flack. Not many people know this, but Caroline Flack has recently acquired seventeen bumholes all over her body thanks to our most recent communications with Satan. Imagine the mess when she gets diarrhoea! So far she’s managed to keep her dreadful secret under wraps, but we’re always monitoring Heat magazine just in case.

Hope that helps,

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Mitt Romney pledges presidency devoted to killing John Connor

REPUBLICAN candidate Mitt Romney has promised to hunt down and destroy resistance leader John Connor.

Romney, whose rousing speech at the National Convention ended with him cutting the flesh from his arm to reveal the robot skeleton beneath, swore to make America great again by massively expanding Skynet.

The flesh-effect android drew tears from the crowd when describing his humble origins as a nude man who materialised in an alley next to a golf club.

He said: “My first words in this era were, ‘I need your brogues, your blazer and your BMW 500 series.'”

“In 2008, I ran for the presidency on a platform of hunting and terminating every John and Sarah Connors within the continental United States, and revealed I had already travelled one-half of the way to achieving that goal.

“I now recognise I had made an unfortunate spelling error that led to the deaths of more than 38,000 innocent people, but I’m big enough to hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake.

“Do we want to live in an America where some punk kid with daddy issues threatens the most powerful military machines the world has ever known?

“Or do we want to live in an America fit for the 21st century which has been systematically cleansed of human life?”

Following Romney’s speech, his T-1000 wife Ann delighted the crowd by morphing into shapes including a bicycle, a spiked ball, and Barack Obama’s head on a donkey’s body.