Greek warriors abduct Samantha Brick

ANCIENT Greek warriors have stormed the Big Brother house after mistaking Samantha Brick for Helen of Troy.

The heavily armed hoplites entered the house after killing security guards and presenter Brian Dowling, who had been preparing to announce the latest eviction to the show’s sorry handful of viewers.

The Greeks searched the house, pausing only to watch a juvenile argument between obscure model Danica Thrall and reality show ‘star’ Michael Sorrentino before killing them with spears.

Entering the Diary Room, the soldiers seized Samantha Brick, although one was heard to remark that she was “not that fit”, and “a bit rough if you ask me”.

The chaos escalated as comedian Julian Clary quipped: “Ooh, I wouldn’t mind a bit of Greek!” He was immediately decapitated.

The Greeks then demanded that Martin Kemp sing the Spandau Ballet hit True for them, before leaving the house with Brick, who appeared delighted by the attention.

Brick later tweeted from her iPhone, apparently while on board a ship bound for Sparta: “In demand with men – as usual!!!

“I’m just a bit surprised I’ve not been ravished yet!!! Got to go – there appears to be some discussion about throwing me overboard :-/”



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Magneto wreaks havoc at Paralympics

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.

The supervillian had seen Channel 4 advertisements describing Paralympians as superhumans and portraying the incidents that caused their disabilities as comics-style ‘origin’ events.

Magneto, who can generate magnetic fields at will, infiltrated the Paralympics opening ceremony disguised as actor Ian McKellan, to whom he bears a striking resemblance.

Paralympic runner Tom Logan said: “The evening was going swimmingly until Magneto/Ian McKellan’s speech, which was all about how he was going to rule first the Earth, then the universe, with an iron fist.

“He said we must join his army or die. Clearly this didn’t really fit with the overall tone of the event, which until then had been more celebratory than dictatorial.

“Then he put on this weird helmet and all the metal things in the stadium started to hurtle towards him. As you can imagine, that’s a big deal in a place where there are thousands of wheelchair users.

“I think I set a new sprinting record last night, running like buggery in the opposite direction.”

After wreaking havoc in the stadium, Magneto fled with Stephen Hawking and the Queen.

Villainologist Emma Bradford said: “He’s probably going to force Hawking to create some sort of physics-based superweapon, like a portable black hole. Then Magneto will marry the Queen and declare himself King of the Universe.

“That’s pretty good going for someone whose superpower is basically that they’re a magnet. I guess, like the Paralympics, it goes to show what you can achieve if you put your mind to it.”