Stop worrying and watch Deliverance instead

Dear Holly,

I recently heard a rumour at work that women aren’t supposed to cry inconsolably after sex. This has got me worried that my technique might need minor adjustment. What do you suggest? I’m open to ideas but the SlipKnot mask is non-negotiable.


Dear Simon,

Why don’t you stop worrying and come to my granny’s house for tea instead. While she’s busy finding the pink wafer biscuits we can go into the garden and snigger at her frightening undergarments on the washing line, and maybe have a peek at her dog Bilko’s enormous pink ball sack. He won’t let you touch it but if we keep very quiet he might lick it a bit. Later on, after we’ve eaten 15 Chicago Town mini pizzas and a mint Vienetta, we can convince Granny to let us stay up and watch something inappropriate, like Deliverance. While she fart-slumbers in her chair, we can sit back and flick midget gems at Bilko’s massive testicles, and all will be happy and right with the world.

Hope that helps!