Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Of course you could form a double act from the old woman in Poltergeist and Syd Little’s ex-partner and call it ‘small medium and Large’. But why?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Only another eleven and a half months until you can volunteer at the university clearing call centre again and spend all day listening to teenagers with all the confidence and arrogance kicked out of them whilst pissing yourself laughing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job as a council estate GP is made a little easier this week when you get a rubber stamp of ‘Asthma and depression’ to mark every one of your patients’ records with.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Is this some sort of sick joke? It is? Oh, good, I like those.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You have faith that the British legal system is the best in the world, especially after it found you not guilty of all those burglaries.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You know that alcohol isn’t always the answer, unless the question is ‘Why is there no room in your fridge for a pint of milk?’

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you decide to retain the dignity you lost by writing the scripts for the meerkat adverts by fellating livestock in a Manila strip joint.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
We don’t talk about love, we only want to get drunk. And that’s why we’re invited to more parties than you are, you dreadfully maudlin prick.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from your bank manager about your business loan for a store where women can exchange naked photos of themselves for cheap goods. Shame, as ‘Tit For Tat’ is a great name for a shop.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
From the colour of your aura, your current regime of crystal healing and the feng shui of your living room, I know I can definitely afford that new conservatory.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Holding hands and cuddling does not necessarily lead to sex. It could be the prelude to a spectacular night of genital branding and scat worship.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That bloke with the pad and pen at your Edinburgh show may have been a reviewer or may have been another comedian stealing your gags but it was probably somebody doing a Sudoku rather than listen to your dreary one-hour piss-fest about hats.