Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Of course you could form a double act from the old woman in Poltergeist and Syd Little’s ex-partner and call it ‘small medium and Large’. But why?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Only another eleven and a half months until you can volunteer at the university clearing call centre again and spend all day listening to teenagers with all the confidence and arrogance kicked out of them whilst pissing yourself laughing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job as a council estate GP is made a little easier this week when you get a rubber stamp of ‘Asthma and depression’ to mark every one of your patients’ records with.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Is this some sort of sick joke? It is? Oh, good, I like those.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You have faith that the British legal system is the best in the world, especially after it found you not guilty of all those burglaries.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You know that alcohol isn’t always the answer, unless the question is ‘Why is there no room in your fridge for a pint of milk?’

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you decide to retain the dignity you lost by writing the scripts for the meerkat adverts by fellating livestock in a Manila strip joint.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
We don’t talk about love, we only want to get drunk. And that’s why we’re invited to more parties than you are, you dreadfully maudlin prick.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from your bank manager about your business loan for a store where women can exchange naked photos of themselves for cheap goods. Shame, as ‘Tit For Tat’ is a great name for a shop.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
From the colour of your aura, your current regime of crystal healing and the feng shui of your living room, I know I can definitely afford that new conservatory.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Holding hands and cuddling does not necessarily lead to sex. It could be the prelude to a spectacular night of genital branding and scat worship.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That bloke with the pad and pen at your Edinburgh show may have been a reviewer or may have been another comedian stealing your gags but it was probably somebody doing a Sudoku rather than listen to your dreary one-hour piss-fest about hats.


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Tube to introduce ‘racists only’ carriages

LONDON Underground is to introduce special carriages where racists can share their hatred on the way to work.

The carriages will provide bigoted passengers with their own space in which to shout incoherently about blacks committing all the crime, how all white women are whores, or the Jews controlling the weather.

A Transport For London spokesman said: “We value all our customers, whether they just want to get from A to B, or whether they want to get from A to B while screaming garbled racist abuse.

“A few years ago racism was seen as the preserve of BNP thugs, but nowadays you’re just as likely to see a black woman shouting abuse at a Ukrainian man, or an Indian man telling a Somali refugee to go back to where he came from.

“It’s what makes London such a vibrant and cosmopolitan city.”

The new carriages will be fitted with alcoholic drinks dispensers to aid the incoherence of the diatribes, while video screens will display racist-friendly content, ranging from the Nuremberg rallies to scientifically unsound black supremacism.

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “Normally I’d have to wait until I got home before I could start spewing racist bile on Stormfront.

“But now I can just hop on the tube and start shouting about how the Muslims are taking over but I’m white British and proud so you can all just FUCK OFF!”

If the ‘racists only’ carriages prove successful, TFL plans to introduce similar ‘twats only’ carriages for pissed rugby fans, shrieking teenagers visiting Camden and fuckers with bongo drums.