MARKETING consultants are to sell NHS neglect to foreign countries.
Hospital chiefs have been told to generate income by offering their brand of wholesale mismanagement to third-world countries who wastefully allow their citizens to die at home for free.
An NHS spokesman said: “The basic package is a six-month wait to meet a consultant who tells you to lose weight, stop smoking and get out of his office.
The deluxe service includes a mixed-sex ward, contracting MRSA in your forties and having money stolen from your purse in a nursing home just before you die.
Slogans to market the NHS abroad include ‘From the cradle in a broom cupboard to the negligent grave’ and ‘Your life in our hands, which weve possibly washed’.
A corporate video has also been produced by the team behind Eastenders, showing potential investors the profitability of running a ward with one terrified medical intern, two exhausted nurses doing 18-hour shifts and a bemused Nigerian cleaner occasionally drafted in to wield a catheter.
The main market is expected to be the third world parts of United States among poor people who refuse to accept sub-standard health care for free.
Todd Logan, from Missouri, said: “Communism. Dead than red. Cold dead hands. Queers.
“Now, how much to amputate my good leg?”