When I am king, things are going to be a bit different around here

Dear Holly,

When I am king, things are going to be a bit different around here. It will be up to me as the monarch to articulate any concerns I might have about key issues, such as how disappointed I am to see the plump vulgar one depart from I’m a Celebrity so soon. No wonder she is worried where her next meal will come from: she obviously comes straight from the state school system, where one apparently receives no instruction in hunting, falconry or taxidermy, three invaluable crafts which form the core of the Eton summer curriculum. Were she as skilled as I in animal husbandry, she wouldn’t hesitate to grab a kangaroo and pull off its legs for a fresh, organic bush feast. You bloody people just don’t understand the ways of the country.

HRH Prince Charles


Dear Prince Charles,

If the celebrities want to undergo a REAL bush tucker trial, they should come along to dinner time at my school and try all the horrible healthy food they force feed us these days. There are kids all over the place, retching and choking on gruesome quinoa and chickpea salad, grimacing at yet another plate of tasteless superfood being shovelled forth and too weak and listless to learn because the jelly is sugar-free and tastes of bumholes. Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for.

Hope that helps!


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All sport moved to desert

EVERY major sporting event will now take place under the blazing desert sun, it has been confirmed.

It is fairly flat

Sport’s governing bodies have agreed that all future competitions will be held in Qatar, Dubai, Abu Dhabi, or somewhere equally conducive to working up a good sweat.

A spokesman from the IAAF said: “Our decision to give the Athletics World Championships to Doha has nothing to do with the money. All we care about is the infrastructure, the atmosphere, and the entertainment value that comes from watching people collapse from heat stroke.

“And, of course, the money.”

FA chairman Greg Dyke welcomed the relocation of all twenty Premier League clubs to Qatar, saying: “Football should never be done in temperatures of less than 40 degrees celsius, in case everyone succumbs to frostbite, or snow blindness, or gets attacked by yetis.”

Ice hockey player Wayne Hayes said: “I’m delighted that the NHL has decided to move en masse to Saudi Arabia. Sure, the conditions aren’t ideal, but I’m sure we can have a great few minutes of hockey, followed quickly by some water polo.”

The International Olympic Committee has also confirmed the award of the 2022 Winter Olympics to Qatar, with a spokesman commenting: “Sand is just hot snow.”