When I am king, things are going to be a bit different around here

Dear Holly,

When I am king, things are going to be a bit different around here. It will be up to me as the monarch to articulate any concerns I might have about key issues, such as how disappointed I am to see the plump vulgar one depart from I’m a Celebrity so soon. No wonder she is worried where her next meal will come from: she obviously comes straight from the state school system, where one apparently receives no instruction in hunting, falconry or taxidermy, three invaluable crafts which form the core of the Eton summer curriculum. Were she as skilled as I in animal husbandry, she wouldn’t hesitate to grab a kangaroo and pull off its legsĀ for a fresh, organic bush feast. You bloody people just don’t understand the ways of the country.

HRH Prince Charles


Dear Prince Charles,

If the celebrities want to undergo a REAL bush tucker trial, they should come along to dinner time at my school and try all the horrible healthy food they force feed us these days. There are kids all over the place, retching and choking on gruesome quinoa and chickpea salad, grimacing at yet another plate of tasteless superfood being shovelled forth and too weak and listless to learn because the jelly is sugar-free and tastes of bumholes. Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for.

Hope that helps!