Why is everyone so mean to that poor Chinese swimmer?

Dear Holly,

Why is everyone so mean to that poor Chinese swimmer who may or may not have cheated a tiny wee bit?


Dear Alice,

Unfortunately, there will always be people who attempt to cheat their way to the top. There are cheats who  get their parents to do their homework, like Olivia Peacock who insisted she was responsible for some deeply moving poem about post natal depression; cheats like Sally Summers, who peek during hide and seek and find you immediately, even though your hiding place under the bed with all daddy’s special magazines was a perfect hiding place; and cheats like Oliver French, who ate sixteen sherbert Dip Dabs just before the sack race and manage to complete it in only 3.7 seconds. Yes, cheating might mean you come out on top, but do you feel good inside? No. Especially when you’re rubbing savlon on your extensive friction burns whilst weeping with despair as the sugar come-down does its worst.

Hope that helps!




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Hotmail replacement intimidatingly cool

HOTMAIL has been re-branded as the uber-cool Outlook, leaving many too intimidated to use it.

Microsoft had been concerned that their webmail service had lost the ‘cool factor’ that is essential for things that send and receive electronic data, with many users defecting to the ultra-chic Gmail.

Microsoft technology stylist Stephen Malley said: “Outlook is now. It’s ooh. It’s aah. It’s a feeling. It’s you. It’s me.

“If you can’t handle that, you might as well kill yourself.”

However the strikingly hip new Outlook, with its zeitgeisty picture of a woman on the sign-in page and trend-centric features as automated message-sorting, risks alienating those users who aren’t stylish and sexy.

Former Hotmail user Emma Bradford said: “Outlook is just too trendy for me. I stuck with Hotmail because I’m not a confident person who goes to yacht parties, like Gmail users.”

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “I don’t want my email to be sexier than I am. It’s too much, it’s like being in Blade Runner or something.”

Technologist Roy Hobbs said: “It looks amazing but because of its incredible slinkiness every Outlook email I write ends up being about sex and parties.

“I must get back into my AOL account, I never get unwanted erections while using that.”