Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Gagging,
My dear old mum always used to say to me that nothing in the love making department was better than sex with your husband. How right she was! I can’t say how glad I was when Mr Soul decided to give up see-sawing away on top of me every night, pulling the face like a chinaman, and concentrate instead on playing hide the wally with that common little tart he claimed was his secretary. Aren’t they supposed to be able to type as well as wander about with their knickers showing? But I digress. Five days? And hubby away playing golf. Don’t you get your milk delivered? Or what about postie? When is the window cleaner due? I must say I admire your self-control, but fear you may be doing your choo choo some serious harm. Use it or lose it, I say!

MY husband moved out of the family house four months ago to live in his own apartment. He has grown a moustache and started wearing vest tops and a leather cap. He also wears tight leather shorts, motorcycle boots, and has starting hanging out with a group of men who wear Indian head-dresses, cowboy outfits, sailor uniforms or dress as construction workers or motorcycle cops. If he’s not doing that he’s dressing up as Judy Garland and going to sing-a-long showings of the Wizard of Oz. He’s also started having bum sex with men. Is he gay? If so, can I claim on my insurance, I want a new patio?

Petula says: Dear Nicole,
Now let’s not be too hasty. Most men of a certain age will move out of the family home and go and get an apartment with another man who likes dressing up in uniform. They will go out dancing until all hours in clubs and bars that are frequented by homosexuals and snort poppers and whirl around and then go home and have bum sex with similar men who have also left their wives and moved into their own apartments and started dressing up in uniforms. But that does not mean they are gay. And anyway, even if he is a pervert why should you worry? It is not as if he is still in your house and could get at you, or any of your neighbour’s children is it? Most insurers will pay out for gayness these days but you will need to provide a bit more evidence than the vague hunches you have outlined so far. In the meantime could not your husband’s new builder friend help out with the heavy lifting?

I recently bought 31 new two-bedroom flats from a series of property developers for £7.5 million despite never having seen any of them. The idea was I would do no research, have no idea about the property market, they would manage them all for me, I would do no work whatsoever and I would become a millionaire. It all seemed very straightforward to me. So I did not put down any deposits and borrowed all the money from the bank at a silly interest rate. Now it appears my flats are worth nothing and I can’t rent them out to cover my interest bill. My bank is going to repossess all the flats and then my house and my car. It says I will still owe them £3.5 million and so will have to hand over my wife and my 15-year old daughter for the chief executive to use as he pleases. Might this explain the sudden and early onset of impotence?

Petula says: Dear Flaccid,
I am not sure whether your current situation is sufficient to explain your impotence. However, it certainly suggests you are fucked. You lazy, stupid, greedy, bastard.

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Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Hannah,
The very fact that you have referred to the, admittedly unlikely, prospect of your fiancée being killed in a completely unexpected car accident after being sent out by you on a totally pointless errand suggests to me that you have already gone beyond girlfriend status and are committed and ready to become a wife, which, you may be pleased to learn, would mean you would pay no inheritance tax. However, there are a few questions to be answered. While many husbands suffer unexpected car accidents on Italian mountain resorts because of freak brake failure some manage to save the situation through skilful use of the gears. Have you considered sending him for the pesto after a couple of bottles of red? If I was you I would also suggest he drive very fast through a tunnel while wearing sunglasses on the remote chance that he will come out the other end temporarily blinded by the light and smash unexpectedly into a huge motorised shovel that will then push him and his car over the edge. These things happen you know.

My girlfriend loves me very much. However, she has put a total ban on hochmagandy because she says my kidney squasher is so huge she is scared of it. She is a virgin you see, so I suppose I can understand her fear. We have a lovely home life here in the farmhouse that I bought after the lottery win, and I love her two children from her previous relationships like my own. But does she really need a different sports car for everyday of the week? Anyway, I have to confess that the other night I really lost it. I was lying awake and my nads were about to explode. So when she rolled over on her side, and her breathing became slow and even, I nipped round the back and I was at it for fully a minute before I made the face like a Chinaman. Guess what? She never even woke up once, never mind scream out in agony! Perhaps she was just very relaxed. Lately she has taken to spending a lot of time with my friends chopper, donkey man and giant cock. How am I going to get her to conquer this irrational fear?
Button Knob,

Petula says: Dear Button,
Most women are revolted by the sight of a man’s genitals, and the bigger they are the more disgusting they appear. Personally I get more of a thrill out of knitting than I do out of having some goo splurging flesh rocket that looks like it belongs in a horror film ploughing away in my lady garden. I really did get quite a few very nice jumpers finished during the time Mr Soul was heaving away up there, before he left me for that skinny bitch at his office of course. So in my experience, it is the things that are attached to these cocks that are really revolting, not so much the cocks themselves. Having said all that your case does appear unusual. It’s not often I get letters from men called Button Knob complaining of such prick size related problems. Why not ask your friend giant cock for advice? Or just stand next to him at the urinals as he hauls his out like a hose as you dribble all over your own pants. I think your girlfriend is pulling your plonker, or would be if she could only get hold of it.

Is there anything I can do about the size of my penis? I’m 26 and my bum tickler is only six inches long when fully erect. I’ve tried pills in the past but they did not work. I’ve also tried hanging lead weights off it, but while this does provide me with an odd pleasurable sensation it has not done anything to increase the size of my beaver cleaver. I’m really embarrassed about this and it’s stopped me having sex for years now, even with myself. Please help.

Long John,

Petula says: Dear John,
A lot of guys these days worry about their the size of their penises at all times, and with good reason. In the old days women tended to keep pretty quiet about hugely disappointing sexual encounters with men with tiddlers, often telling only ten or 20 of their closest friends that last night’s shag should be avoided as he was a premature ejaculating matchstick man. However, thanks to the internet such information can be spread much more rapidly among the sisterhood through the many love lance comparison websites that have recently sprung up, including my own favourite, which contains comprehensive size and performance listings for most men in Britain. Checking your last entry, if you could call it that, it would appear your voluntary abstinence is no great loss to womankind. According to Tracey Onions back in 2001 it was closer to four-and-a-half and she had hardly unwrapped her chips before you were finished and off out the alleyway. Have you got one of those special men rulers, or do you think the penis starts just above the knee for measuring purposes, like most blokes?

Let Petula solve your problems. Email your questions to: [email protected]