Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Gagging,
My dear old mum always used to say to me that nothing in the love making department was better than sex with your husband. How right she was! I can’t say how glad I was when Mr Soul decided to give up see-sawing away on top of me every night, pulling the face like a chinaman, and concentrate instead on playing hide the wally with that common little tart he claimed was his secretary. Aren’t they supposed to be able to type as well as wander about with their knickers showing? But I digress. Five days? And hubby away playing golf. Don’t you get your milk delivered? Or what about postie? When is the window cleaner due? I must say I admire your self-control, but fear you may be doing your choo choo some serious harm. Use it or lose it, I say!

MY husband moved out of the family house four months ago to live in his own apartment. He has grown a moustache and started wearing vest tops and a leather cap. He also wears tight leather shorts, motorcycle boots, and has starting hanging out with a group of men who wear Indian head-dresses, cowboy outfits, sailor uniforms or dress as construction workers or motorcycle cops. If he’s not doing that he’s dressing up as Judy Garland and going to sing-a-long showings of the Wizard of Oz. He’s also started having bum sex with men. Is he gay? If so, can I claim on my insurance, I want a new patio?
Nicole,
Northampton.

Petula says: Dear Nicole,
Now let’s not be too hasty. Most men of a certain age will move out of the family home and go and get an apartment with another man who likes dressing up in uniform. They will go out dancing until all hours in clubs and bars that are frequented by homosexuals and snort poppers and whirl around and then go home and have bum sex with similar men who have also left their wives and moved into their own apartments and started dressing up in uniforms. But that does not mean they are gay. And anyway, even if he is a pervert why should you worry? It is not as if he is still in your house and could get at you, or any of your neighbour’s children is it? Most insurers will pay out for gayness these days but you will need to provide a bit more evidence than the vague hunches you have outlined so far. In the meantime could not your husband’s new builder friend help out with the heavy lifting?

I recently bought 31 new two-bedroom flats from a series of property developers for £7.5 million despite never having seen any of them. The idea was I would do no research, have no idea about the property market, they would manage them all for me, I would do no work whatsoever and I would become a millionaire. It all seemed very straightforward to me. So I did not put down any deposits and borrowed all the money from the bank at a silly interest rate. Now it appears my flats are worth nothing and I can’t rent them out to cover my interest bill. My bank is going to repossess all the flats and then my house and my car. It says I will still owe them £3.5 million and so will have to hand over my wife and my 15-year old daughter for the chief executive to use as he pleases. Might this explain the sudden and early onset of impotence?
Flaccid,
Flaxborough.

Petula says: Dear Flaccid,
I am not sure whether your current situation is sufficient to explain your impotence. However, it certainly suggests you are fucked. You lazy, stupid, greedy, bastard.

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