Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve developed a really embarrassing problem related to my anal region, which is slightly less elastic than it used to be, resulting in sudden and unfortunate expulsions of gas at the most inappropriate moments. I thought I was getting away with it, until last weekend at a wedding. I had just asked if anyone knew of any lawful impediment as to why the marriage could not go ahead, only to provide the involuntary response myself, much to the surprise and disgust of the congregation, and voiding the marriage in the process. How can I stop this terrible affliction before the funeral I’m doing next week?
Father Michael

Dear Father Michael,
Whatever you do, don’t go along to Mrs Dodkins’ music club after school on a Tuesday, as she has little tolerance for bottom burps, especially if you aim one into your recorder during Morning Has Broken like Oliver French did. Although we all found the additional percussion enhanced the song tremendously, Mrs Dodkins was less in favour, and Oliver French ended up getting his instrument confiscated, leaving him to clap along to the music with the special needs kids which was so uncool. So unless you fancy joining them, I suggest you keep your pumps to yourself in future.
Hope that helps!

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week two Wall Street billionaires swap your life with that of a homeless man for a dollar bet. After three days the homeless man is begging for his old life back.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
And I-IIIIIII want to thank you, for giving me the best day-aaayyy of my life. Oh, but now I’ve just remembered Dido exists. That spoils it slightly.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
All the books on creative writing say you should write about what you know, but Harper Collins seemed frankly dismissive when you presented your 300-page manuscript on the many things you’d like to do with Scarlett Johansson.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Internet shopping is a lot more convenient but unfortunately it also makes it easier for Amazon to alert the police when you’ve bought a rubber gloves, a giant tub of Vaseline and the box set Life on Earth.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Celebrities are usually a lot shorter in real life so you’re surprised this week when you see Kylie Minogue at Gatwick airport and she’s actually seven-foot tall with hands on her like a rack of ribs.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A large asteroid flies past Venus, the goddess of love, this week causing you to get a listless semi on the bus.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You often find new love when you’re least expecting it, so keep an eye out for the saucy looks the registrar is giving you when you’re signing the marriage certificate

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As you approach the age of 40 it’s natural to take stock of your life so far, examine how many of your teenage hopes and dreams have been fulfilled and wonder how long you have left to achieve your ambitions. In your case it will also be entirely natural for it to trigger a three year sobbing fit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The judges claim to love dog acts on Britain’s Got Talent but they seemed unimpressed when you showed them how you’d trained your Rottweiller to curl a shit out whenever you play Colonel Bogey on the harmonica.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The good thing about summer is that you can dice up a strawberry into your daily pint of meths and everyone will just assume you’re drinking Pimms.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not go on Tripadvisor and give everywhere one star on the basis it’s full of dirty foreigners who can speak English but pretend not to? Y’know, like absolutely everybody else?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
That rash could be from the new brand of washing powder you used for the bedsheets. Or it could be from that toothless uber-skank you picked up from behind the bus depot. How red is it?