Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly
I have recently asked my girlfriend to be my wife and she has accepted, which makes me the happiest man on earth. However, there is one small problem: she is refusing to take on my name after we are married. She’s saying it’s because of some women’s lib bullshit, but as far as I’m concerned, it is simply not acceptable. One minute they’re refusing to take your name, the next you’re holding their shiny bag while they browse Dorothy Perkins. Isn’t it?
Steve Dickface,

Dear Steve
Sorry to hear you’re having trouble with your wife’s name. At least you don’t have to come up with a first name for her, because that can be really hard. That must be why so many kids at my school are called Jack and Olivia. I think Victoria Beckham, that great literary figure, decided to name her latest baby after a character from her favourite book. Her other kids are called Scrooge, Rumplestiltskin, Black Beauty and Thomas the Tank Engine. I had the same problem wondering what to call my new gerbils, whom I eventually christened Penelope Bumfinger and Mr Cupcake. I’m not sure they liked being called that at first as they wouldn’t come when I called them, but I poked them with a pencil a bit and after that they seemed a little more keen. Have you tried poking your fiancée with a pencil? Or maybe feed her some lettuce and put her in her plastic wheel until she agrees to do as you ask? Just be careful she doesn’t get freaked out and poo all over your jumper.
Hope that helps!