Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m not having much success with the ladies these days, possibly because I’m fat and don’t wash or shave much. However, I’ve noticed that there’s a guy in my office who’s always got birds swarming round him, and I’ve heard on the grapevine that he’s a homosexual. I’m not sure I’m ready to let men do things to my bottom, but I’m willing to act all camp and bitchy if it means I get within sniffing distance of the ladies. Do you think this is a good plan?

Dear Horace
I love to camp. Do your mummy and daddy ever let you pitch a tent in the garden and invite your friends over to sleep in it for the night? It’s such fun! You can toast marshmallows and tell ghost stories with a torch under your chin, and then you can trick your mum and dad into thinking your friend Britney has been abducted from her sleeping bag by waiting till midnight then getting her to hide in the garden shed while you rouse your parents with convincingly frightened screams. Remember to leave her slipper in a bush nearby. Your mummy might get a little bit hysterical, but when she realises you’re pulling her leg she’ll definitely see the funny side. But don’t string it out too long though, because once the police get involved things start to get a bit more complicated, and for some reason they tend not to have much of a sense of humour.
Hope that helps!

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