Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am deeply, deeply in love with a woman from work, but I don’t even know her name. We share a lift together every morning and although she doesn’t give me a second glance I am sure that she could grow to love me as I love her. The only real obstacle to our union is that the other day she sort of caught me smelling her hair while she wasn’t looking, and then got a bit upset when she later noticed I was attempting to borrow a few fibres from her sweater. She turned round and said ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you smelly little weirdo?’ and I attempted to propose that we make fast, hot love in the lift but my stutter and the dribbling got in the way a bit and she got a bit of spray on her face and she then exited the lift. How can I make her realise she needs me inside her?
Daryl,
Swindon

Dear Daryl,
It sounds like you’ve got it bad for this lady and I can sympathise because I love Justin Bieber and I want to meet him and have his other love child! I’ve written him a few letters but he just keeps sending me Justin Bieber sticker books and application forms to join the Justin Bieber fan club. I think he must be playing hard to get too. But at least you’re not the boyfriend of our teaching assistant, Miss Stimpson. One time, he came into school with his guitar and was whispering about a big surprise, and we all had to sing along with him when Miss Stimpson came in and then hold up cards that spelled out ‘marry me, Edwina?’. And then the boyfriend got down on one knee and we all cheered but Miss Stimpson was crying a bit and kept trying to yank her boyfriend up and was saying ‘please don’t make me do this in front of the kids’ and ‘Peter, you know I can’t’ and stuff like that and then it went a bit quiet and Miss Stimpson cried a bit more and then her boyfriend got all sad and punched the wall and Mrs Dodkins, our teacher, said we had to stop staring and get on with painting our spaceships.
Hope that helps!
Holly

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Rather than throwing away the seeds when you cut up a pumpkin, why not dry roast them with a little black pepper? They make the ideal snack to nibble on while watching your other half demolish their way through a giant bag of Monster Munch.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Everyone has their Christmas traditions and you’re no different as every December you tell people you’ve become a Jehovah’s Witness and politely ask them to go fuck themsleves until January.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This is the end, my only friend, the end. No. Hang on. There’s going to be five more increasingly tedious albums after this one.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bored of fiddling with your colleague’s chair or dicking about with the air-conditioning, this week you bring a new level of unease to the office by burying a Native American under the photocopier.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You question your beliefs this week after watching your yoga teacher knock shite out of your crystal healer in a pub car park while your homeopath calls an ambulance.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s taken three years but you’ve finally tracked down everyone who owns a set-top box that TV ratings are calculated with. You join forces and convince advertisers that the 1230am show ‘Isidingo’ on the Africa Channel is watched by 18M people.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As you uncomfortably rise from your seat to sign an agreement to divert the majority of your investment portfolio into overseas accounts in a bid to reduce your tax liability you can honestly say that you also have moves like Jagger.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve been using the mental image of Margaret Thatcher having her first
dump of the day as an ejaculation deterrent for so long that you’re now
unable to maintain an erection without it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad start to the morning when you run out of your trendy caffeine
shampoo and your hair spends the whole morning calling you a prick.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Venus makes a surprise appearance in your sign this week, asks whether this is Scorpio then scurries off again when it realises it’s you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either somebody’s revving a motorcycle that runs on biofuel under your sofa or your wife needs to rethink her diet.

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