CARBON dioxide has resigned from being a gas, it has been confirmed.
The move came after a fresh batch of leaked emails between climate scientists showed that CO2 had been lying about what it is and what it does.
According to one of the emails, sent by Julian Cook, a researcher at the University of East Anglia, carbon dioxide had got drunk and admitted it had made the whole thing up.
Cook adds: “He says he’s not even a gas, never mind a greenhouse gas. He says his name’s Brian and he used to work for Kwik Fit in Norwich.
“He says his application to UEA was turned down ‘because he doesn’t talk all posh’ and he’s done all of this just to embarrass us.
“What are we going to do???????”
But Professor Phil Jones replied: “For Christ’s sake don’t tell the press. In the meantime we have to go back to our notes and work out what in the name of fuck has been coming out of engines and power stations in ever increasing quantities for the last 150 years.
“Then we have to see if this thing traps heat in the atmosphere in the same way that Brian did.”
Martin Bishop, who has a PhD in blogging from Delingpole University, said: “At least carbon dioxide has finally owned up. Hopefully David Attenborough will now have the decency to stop machine-gunning my children into a pit.”
Meanwhile, carbon and oxygen, the gas’s constituent parts, have been suspended from the periodic table of elements pending the outcome of a high-level inquiry.
The chief medical officer is to issue guidelines for people who want to keep breathing and have bodies.