Even darker version of internet ‘sounds delightful’

THE notion of a so-called ‘darknet’ has confounded those who were sure the normal internet represented the very depths of human depravity.

In the darknet you are the cup

The darknet is a hidden version of the internet, where people who are really good at computers exchange the sort of content that was once contained in padlocked books bound with human skin.

Normal internet user Tom Logan said: “The standard ‘vanilla net’ is a helter skelter of evil where two girls doing the most debased things imaginable into a cup is considered a harmless pop culture ‘meme’ and borderline work-friendly good-time.

“My concern is that this so-called darknet, despite its flimsy veneer of government-dodging civil-rightsiness, will drag mankind further into the pit with its next-level wickedness.

“At least that’s what I’ll be saying in court when explaining what inspired my ‘research’ on this nether-net into certain acts involving four girls, six recently-deceased kestrels and a drum full of paint stripper.”

The darknet relies on something called an ‘onion router’, so called because it has many layers, makes you cry and combines well with liver.

Technologist Emma Bradford described some things she found on the darknet: “Not only are there pictures of dead celebrities, you can make an actual dead celebrity corpse come out of your printer.

“I manufactured a mutilated JFK. Don’t do it, it uses 586 ink cartridges.

“Also there’s extensive documentation relating to a sex act called ‘pengress’.

“I can’t describe it, but nor can I unsee it.”