Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My wife has agreed for us to have my mother-in-law round for Christmas again, which means discussions about piles and David Cameron’s evil eyes amid the overwhelming smell of Lily of the Valley mixed with human faeces. Plus I’ll have to give the old bitch a lift home so will be unable to drink myself unconscious. Should I fake my own death and move to Panama?

Dear Alan,
I’m not really looking forward to Christmas either this year because my dad says we’ve not got much money so we won’t get very many presents: how awful is that?! He wants us to go and watch some hippies hand out soup to tramps on Christmas day, and he reckons this will help us to understand the real meaning of Christmas. So what is the real meaning of Christmas then? That it’s totally rubbish when you have no money? I am currently in correspondence with Santa and Jesus to see if we can find a way round this. Perhaps a curse on my dad might stop him from wasting good money on ‘bills’ and instead get me a Muppets pencil case.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People have different learning styles – visual, auditory, kinaesthetic – and yours is usually having something slowly shouted at you about thirty times.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will mostly be spent arguing with Odeon Cinemas about whether a film having Jude Law in it is sufficient to ask for both a refund and damages.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. Like make a Christmas advert that makes you want to kick your own liver out of the top of your head.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You can take a girl out of the North, but not the North out of the girl. Although why you’d bother to go anywhere near her, god only knows.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, your work-life balance is made extremely confusing when you’re fired then killed by a bus.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As the houses of Leo and Cancer converge this week, I have some bad news about your cat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word yet from Nintendo about your men’s version of ‘Just Dance’ which shows the silhouette of a bloke leaning against a bar nodding his head to some Thin Lizzy.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a young single man, nobody should judge you if you choose to live a life of no-strings sexual encounters, all-night partying and lying through your teeth about doing the first two.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A busy time at the Jehova’s Witness centre recently as the new BBC festive ident has put people off having anything to do with Christmas ever again.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Whenever you feel alone, remember that your grandparents are looking down from above, willing  you on and maybe wishing you would let them out of the attic.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
These days, non-alcoholic beers can often taste just as good as real ones, although you will have to find another excuse for soiling yourself at your desk. IBS?