Satan missing from leaked Zuckerberg photos

THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.

The images show the Facebook tycoon laughing with friends, playing with a little dog and about to kill a chicken.

But, to the surprise of industry analysts, there is no photograph of Zuckerberg and Satan standing in the middle of a pentangle, their blood soaked hands raised towards the ceiling and their eyes rolled back in their sockets.

IT expert Julian Cook, said: “There is one photo where his eyes look kind of weird. I can’t work out whether it’s the flash reflecting against his retinas or whether the flash has somehow managed to capture his Satanic essence.

“I assume the chicken was about to be used in some kind of sacrificial rite where Zuckerberg would cut the head off and then he and Satan would take it in turns to spray the blood directly into each other’s mouths.

“And the sushi he is seen preparing is probably just the tongue of one of his enemies. Satan and his helpers do love to feast on raw tongue wrapped in seaweed.”

Facebook said the photos were leaked because of a ‘glitch’ but stressed they did prove that Zuckerberg was just a normal young man and therefore his social network was just as normal and lovely as he clearly is.

A spokesman said: “How could someone with such a cute little dog create a work of pure, undiluted evil?”

Cook added: “Maybe the dog is Satan.”

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Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

Health advisors are recommending that women draw up a Christmas check list including alibis, emergency contraceptives and ‘crying time’.

Experts stressed the fallout from drunken sexual mistakes can be minimised by planning them well in advance.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “Start by checking your diary, and noting all the events where free alcohol will be available. We call these ‘regret points’.

“Be honest and ask yourself ‘am I going to fuck up and do something that makes me hate myself?’.

“If the answer is ‘yes’, ‘past form indicates a strong possibility’ or ‘I might do if there is low lighting and they play that Bryan Ferry song I like’, then you need to get everything in place for the fuck up.

“It’s vital to ensure that the following day you have set aside at least an hour for crying.

“Plus another two hours for calling your best friend from work and asking them to fill in the details of the previous night, including how many people noticed that you were definitely going to have sex with the person you had sex with.

“This advice also applies to men, just replace the word ‘crying’ with ‘exaggerating’.”

She added: “Also make sure there’s time to read the instructions on the back of the emergency pill packet at least 50 times, because you’ll be trying to work out whether it’ll make you grow a beard but your hangover will prevent the normal processing of information.”

“If you follow these steps there’s a chance you could spend as little as 70% of the entire festive period overcome with paranoid self-loathing.”