Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been trying my hand at that Internet dating but so far I’ve not got very far with it because none of the lovely ladies have got back to me. I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn’t mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting. Any ideas?

Dear Fred,
Be careful of making friends with people who you’ve not met in person. I once had a french penfriend called Pascale DuPont who came from Brittany. In her letter, she said she liked playing at the piano, had a big house with a bathroom and a living room, and a sister called Anne-Cecile who has twelve years. She said that when the weather is fine, she goes to the shopping mall with her friends and eats the ice cream. I thought she sounded like a good sort, and asked her if she would like to come in my house for to visit. However, despite her cheerful correspondence persona, it turned out Pascale was a sulky jerk who didn’t say hardly anything and shrugged her shoulders when you asked her things like ‘do you want to look at my nice new bike’ and ‘do French people have televisions?’. Plus she always wore a stupid rucksack everywhere which was totally gay and knows nothing about music because she just sat there and just said ‘merde’ when I played JLS’s new album for her.
Hope that helps!