Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been trying my hand at that Internet dating but so far I’ve not got very far with it because none of the lovely ladies have got back to me. I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn’t mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting. Any ideas?

Dear Fred,
Be careful of making friends with people who you’ve not met in person. I once had a french penfriend called Pascale DuPont who came from Brittany. In her letter, she said she liked playing at the piano, had a big house with a bathroom and a living room, and a sister called Anne-Cecile who has twelve years. She said that when the weather is fine, she goes to the shopping mall with her friends and eats the ice cream. I thought she sounded like a good sort, and asked her if she would like to come in my house for to visit. However, despite her cheerful correspondence persona, it turned out Pascale was a sulky jerk who didn’t say hardly anything and shrugged her shoulders when you asked her things like ‘do you want to look at my nice new bike’ and ‘do French people have televisions?’. Plus she always wore a stupid rucksack everywhere which was totally gay and knows nothing about music because she just sat there and just said ‘merde’ when I played JLS’s new album for her.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may not know much about art, but you know what you like. It’s just a shame that happens to be rearranging your balls on public transport.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The development of cloud computing means all of your files and online activity is accessible from any device you use. Given what you tend to use them for, this makes you indescribably terrified.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have a huge crush on Zooey Deschanel, as does any redblooded male who has a thing for women who look like a permanently surprised, 14-year-old Aunt Sally doll.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An abrupt end to your night out bowling with members of the tube drivers union when you knock all the pins down, shout ‘Strike!’ and they all walk out.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Filming goes well on the first episode of the Welsh version of The
Gadget Show as you test the latest version of the pointy stick.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you find out one absolutely impossible mission is sitting
through a Tom Cruise film in the cinema without wanting to shout ‘TWAT!’
at the top of your voice.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re almost down to the last of the booze you bought in for Christmas, so bite the bullet and get cracking on the mince pie-flavoured schnapps.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque – fetch the waiter, this isn’t what I ordered at all.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When the world seems to have stopped caring, when everyone seems to have deserted you, when things seem at their most hopeless – that probably is the time to start sobbing uncontrollably. Crack on.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a full moon enters Gemini, you realise your arse has ballooned to twice its normal size.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your willingness to see things from somebody else’s point of view is taken a little too far this week when you break into your neighbour’s bedroom while they’re out shopping and shout “Stop staring at me or I’ll call the police!” into your own back garden.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After seeing your blind date waiting for you in the pub flicking through
a copy of Zoo and sipping a bottle of WKD you take the sensible
precaution of stealing a bulldozer and ploughing it through the snug.