Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I got a Valentines card from fat Geoff in accounts again. Call me shallow, but I can’t get past the thought of what his enormous, wobbling gut must look like naked. How do I find out his yearly salary so I can decide if being crushed by a sweaty walrus is worth it?

Dear Sophie,
Don’t be too hasty to discount this person. Fat people might look gross, but if they invite you over to their house for tea you’d be a fool not to accept. Think about it: the reason they got to be the size they are is probably because their mummy lets them have chips for tea anytime they like, and they get all their shopping in Iceland so there’s never any of that vegetable nonsense to deal with. Best of all, you’re guaranteed to get something sticky and chocolatey for pudding, and loads and loads of cola. It makes you very jealous that your own mum isn’t as kind and loving as the obese mum, who lets her kids eat as many treats as they like and never makes them stay at the table until they’ve finished ‘all the peas’ or go on a boring after dinner walk when they’d much rather eat biscuits and watch TV. Come to think of it, they should let fat mothers run parenting classes and then we’d all get to eat an entire 75 piece dessert platter once in a while.
Hope that helps!