Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I always thought of  little decorated sponge cakes as fairy cakes, but my wife says they are cupcakes. Surely this isn’t right? My whole reality has been turned upside down and I’m so confused. Please help!

Dear Jamie,
You’re confused? There’s nothing more confusing than being a schoolgirl. One minute, you’re making Barbie’s hair look pretty and imagining you’re living in a fairy castle; the next you’re stuffing your crop top with bog roll and weeping silently over a picture of Harry Styles from One Direction.
My teenage big sister used to love playing dressing up and tea parties with me, but now she prefers to hang about park benches with big boys on bikes and tell my parents ‘to go fuck themselves’. Worst of all, Jessica Greaves told us that you suddenly start bleeding out of your bumhole when you turn thirteen, and it doesn’t stop until you’re seventy-five. No wonder women cry so much. I always hoped I’d be like Barbie when I grew up: with long golden hair, a pink mansion and a hard plastic fanny. Unfortunately it seems that with all the uncontrollable leakage from both ends,Tiny Tears is possibly a more realistic role model.
Hope that helps!