Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My wife used to be an alright bit of totty, but recently she’s let her standards slip. Just because she’s got to get the kids ready, do the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dusting and a spot of gardening, plus satisfy me sexually, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get her face and hair in some sort of order. I was thinking of humiliating her into action by getting her a makeover on This Morning, what do you think?

Dear Gordon,
My big sister recently had a makeover but it was a secret one that she did round at her friend Stacey’s house when they were supposed to be in double science. She started the day in regulation calf-length skirt and blazer, and ended it in fish net tights and a boob tube. She also put stuff all over her face so she looked like a scary clown, and then hung about Dixons on the high street drinking something from a 3 litre bottle and noising up old ladies. When I asked my sister why she was letting strangers look at her pants, she explained that she had become a radical feminist, like her idol Rihanna, who has shown girls everywhere that it’s ok to dress like a hooker and that no doesn’t necessarily mean no, as long as your boyfriend gives you a good hiding first. What a shining beacon of light this Rihanna is providing for suggestible children everywhere, I must look out one of her educational videos.
Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After watching the Tulisa sex video several times this week you come to the inescapable conclusion that she is obviously miming.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Each morning, wake up asking yourself “How am I going to make the world a better place today?” as this will excuse the fact you don’t get out of bed.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you ease your nerves at giving your first speech as a member of the royal family by opening with the joke about the fishmonger and the nun.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The fact you have iPhone insurance but not health insurance might seem like a poor life choice to people who haven’t met you and had the chance to work out whether you’re worth £500 or not.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your credit rating is definitely improving as the last time you asked for an extension to your overdraft your bank manager only gave you an open-handed slap.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You have a landmark birthday coming up, inasmuch as by the time it’s your birthday you will officially be large enough to be considered an Ordnance Survey landmark.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re really looking forward to Prometheus, but will it be as good as GI Jane, Kingdom Of Heaven or Robin Hood?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Billions of years of sexual tension end this week as Venus and Jupiter start getting their interplanetary freak on in the night sky.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you feel that wearing slightly quirky clothes, sneering at reality television and liking Brian Cox justifies describing yourself as a ‘geek’, can I suggest that you Google the words ‘geek’ & ‘etymology’, buy yourself a live chicken and get back to me when you’re done?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your partner takes her striptease role-playing fantasy too far this week when you try and give her a kiss and a big bloke in a bomber jacket bursts into the bedroom and knocks shite out of you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, girl we couldn’t get much higher. But the lift doesn’t go up to the last two floors and you sweat like soft cheese just getting out of your chair.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Please note this horoscope was written in Mauritius and you will be charged 150p per word for reading it. Here, it just cost you three quid to read me calling you a camel’s bollock.