Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, my girlfriend asked me if I would talk dirty to her during our lovemaking sessions as apparently she would find this a huge turn on. Being rather shy, I am extremely embarrassed at the prospect and would much prefer to remain silent, but she’s pretty insistent. So I was thinking of maybe starting off with something along the lines of ‘I’m going to rub dog dirt all over your fat tits’ and then maybe lead into ‘your farts smell worse than a decomposing corpse, you elderly whore of Satan’.  Does sound about right?
Rev John MacDonald

Dear John,
My teacher says it is very naughty to use dirty words and that it takes intelligence to express yourself without swearing. Unfortunately, there is at least one member of my class who did not possess enough intelligence to resist writing ‘hairy vaj licker’ in two foot high letters on the blackboard when we were all out in the playground the other day. Thanks to this anonymous vandal, the entire class was forced to miss out on a trip to WaterWorld. Instead we had to spend the whole day ‘appreciating the beauty of the English language’ so we would think twice before abusing it again. Based on this experience, I’d highly recommend that you avoid dirty talking altogether, even if your girlfriend appears keen. Ultimately, it’s you that will regret it when you’re forced to spend a whole afternoon doing ‘the palindrome challenge’ when you’d much rather be frolicking on a hydroslide.
Hope that helps!


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Drug Anecdotes To Be Criminalised

SHARING interminable, exaggerated anecdotes about drug experiences should be a criminal offence, it was claimed last night.

Campaigners want to de-legalise a range of class A and B drug tales including ‘The time we gave a horse/a cow/a toad a line of coke’, ‘How I came to neck the pills that are stronger than the world’s strongest pills’ and ‘How I came  back from Thailand with a Toblerone made of pure MDMA shoved up my anus’.

Tom Logan, director of anti-drug tale charity Just Say Shut Up, said: “These modern myths are invariably inflicted by some twat who insists on being referred to by his first initial and believes Howard Marks to be a literary genius.

“The average drug tale lasts half a day, depending on the number of dramatic pauses. It burgles your brain, steals your time and should be punishable with the lash.

“I’m not sure prison is the right solution, because they’d only leave armed with more drug anecdotes and some bullshit about how they became leader of a black biker gang.

“Instead they should be force-fed recreational pharmaceuticals and made to listen to the most anodyne Groove Armada tracks until they have clawed out their own eyes and eaten them.”

Roy Hobbs, who prefers to be known as ‘Jezz with two Zeds’, said: “This is just another example of the fascist state oppressing the modern-day shamen.

“Anyway, as I was saying, I’m in Bucharest with Pezz and Mezz. We’d popped some Chinese spangles and we’re wandering along this crazy little street filled with these amazing doors when we meet a man who wants to show us the biggest bong in the world…”

Logan added: “On second thoughts, how does one put together a firing squad?”