Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
There are two men at work who appear to want to sex me, but I can’t decide between them. One of them has a great body, sexy hair, and a chiselled jaw, but he works in the canteen and drives a Nissan Micra. The other is balding, has a paunch, and smells of bins. However, he’s an executive, and I am pretty sure he’ll buy me lots of expensive stuff if I let him touch my clacker. How can I decide between the two?

Dear Zilla,
If I were you, I’d steer clear of both of them. I had to make a similar decision when picking a partner for American country dancing, which Mrs Paisley sometimes makes us do at playtime because she’s about 700 years old and mental. I had to choose between Oliver French, who picks his nose and eats it, or Martin Fraser, who always has his hands in his pants. Suffice to say, I made the wrong decision, because I ended up with big grey bogies on my hand all the way through the Kentucky Mountain Square dance. Instead of making an impossible choice, I strongly advise you to pick a nice, clean girl as your partner, or even better, don’t let old ladies trick you into extra-curricular line dancing in the first place.
Hope that helps!

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24-Hour Drinking Would Have Worked If Britain Wasn't Dreadful, Say Experts

BRITAIN’S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.

As the government outlined plans to reintroduce stricter licensing laws, experts said Britain could still have a ‘continental-style café culture’ if it swapped populations with France.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The key problem with the previous government’s ambition to create a new café culture was that it was a cretinous idea that could not possibly work and would obviously result in millions of fuckwits getting violently shit-faced.

“It’s also important to recognise that a café culture requires quite a lot of cafés. But these are not cafés. These are pubs. Dirty, stinking, greasy pubs. Full of badly educated people. Who are total arseholes.

“So in order to create a continental-style café culture you will need; a) some cafés, b) an education system, and c) a load of French people.

“Once you have those three things then all you have to take care of is the soul-destroyingly bad weather and the food that you wouldn’t give to a pig that’s just eaten its own shit.

“Hey presto – a café culture.”

But Julian Cook, the Claire Sweeney professor of ghastliness at Reading University, said: “The French are not regarded as more sophisticated than us because they have cafés and nice weather, it’s because you tend not to find that many French women being vigorously pumped behind a wheelie bin while vomiting into their own knickers.

“We need to focus our resources on teaching young British women to have their intercourse standing up in the pub toilet, or to remove their underpants completely and give them to a friend for safekeeping.

“That would be a start.”