Face Transplant Man Warned Against Over-Confidence

FRIENDS of face transplant man Tom Logan last night warned that his plans for a massive sex binge may be a tad optimistic.

The 36-year-old was given a new face after losing his old one to a badger and his friends have been overwhelmingly reassuring about his new look.

However, they are now concerned they may have overdone it after Logan began bragging about how much ‘fanny’ he intends to ‘nail’.

Logan said: “I am the face transplant stallion and I can’t wait to start transplanting this face into some top quality vaginas.

“When I walk into the room, the honeys are gonna be like, ‘is that Pierce Brosnan?’. From now on, my life is going to be one massive Lynx advert.”

He added: “Don’t forget your crutches girls – I am in the zone.”

But Logan’s best friend, Roy Hobbs, said: “We’ve all tried our best to be supportive. It’s a bit like when a woman gets a haircut that looks odd and then everyone acts kind of over-enthusiastic about it, saying things like ‘it really suits you’, and ‘wow’ and ‘it’s really modern, isn’t it?

“Unfortunately it’s gone to his head and he’s started to act like a bit of a prick. I’m worried he might be in for a bit of a rude awakening when we all go out to Club Fifth Avenue on Friday.

“Maybe I should say something. I dunno, it’s awkward”‘

Logan’s ex-girlfriend, Nikki Hollis, added: “In fairness, he has now got a face. But then so has William Hague but that doesn’t mean I’d want his saliva on my thigh.

“I suspect Tom’s going to have learn to be an incredibly good listener.”

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British Gas Calls For Increase In State Pension

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

The company is calling for a 20% increase in the state pension so the elderly can heat their homes without it impacting on the growth of large UK businesses that sell gas.

Unveiling a 98% increase in profits, British Gas said it had put its best brains to work on the problem but could think of no other way to make gas more affordable for Britain’s pensioners.

A spokesman said: “It was a very cold winter which meant people needed more gas which meant we were forced to keep our prices as high as we possibly could.

“This meant that a lot of pensioners were unable to afford the gas and eventually chose to die.

“We need to find a way of getting more money to these wonderful old people so they can continue to live in stiflingly hot comfort well into their nineties.”

Bill McKay, from Peterbourgh, said: “My pension fund is invested in British Gas so I really need them to be making as much money as possible. Meanwhile the more money my mum has to spend on gas the more she will be able to leave me in her will.

“However, the warmer she is during the winter, the longer she’s likely to live, meaning she will eat into my inheritance and I’ll have less time to spend whatever’s left. And of course if she gets a bigger pension I will have to pay more tax, which means I won’t have as much to put into my pension fund.

“Probably best if I keep it all nice and simple and just nudge her in front of a bin lorry.”

The British Gas spokesman added: “The dead ones are obviously useless and a poor pensioner during the winter is, in accounting terms, essentially the same as a dead one.

“Our absolute favourites are the frail ones with chronic arthritis, poor circulation and sizeable cash reserves.

“We call them ‘the icing’.”

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