Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m suffering from a rather embarrassing problem in that I am finding it nigh on impossible to achieve an erection and I can’t work out why. The other evening, after the usual 17 pints, nine pork pies and 60 Lambert and Butler, I staggered home from the pub and roused my snoring wife for a spot of heavy intercourse. After she’d put her teeth in and taken a quick dump, she parted her remarkably hairy thighs as I drunkenly attempted to mount her. But after 15 minutes of flaccid humping, nothing was stirring so we gave up and watched Foyle’s War instead. My wife reckons the Feng Shui in our bedroom is slightly off. Is she right?

Dear Marcus,
I am alarmed to hear of your wife’s hairy legs – are you sure she’s really a lady? My sister says that all women have to shave their legs if they ever want to get married in order to conform to the misogynistic norms prevalent in our society. I don’t have a clue what she’s on about, but I do know that Mrs Cunningham, the music teacher at my school, has massively hairy legs and a big hairy mole on her chin, and no-one wants to marry her either. According to Sophie Walker, she lives in a swamp, eats dead babies for tea and practices monkey voodoo. If I were you I’d double check to make sure your wife isn’t really a man, or worse still, a voodoo witch like Mrs Cunningham. The fact that she’s talking about Feng Shui indicates that her interests lie in the dark arts. I suspect she’s bewitching you with her evil ways thus preventing your from achieving full engorgement.
Hope that helps!


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Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week stretch your shopping budget through a combination of bin-scavenging, road kill and good, old-fashioned thieving.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even
know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked
through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. I
should probably take some sandwiches and a flask.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One man, one goal, one mission. One heart, one soul, just one solution. Madam, your lavatory is now clear.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re appearing on reality TV this week, do remember to burst into tears over the slightest victory or setback. And also, try not to call anyone a Paki.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A former defendant that you represented poorly because you knew he was guilty comes back
to destroy your reputation, your family and, ultimately, your life in a rampage of
Southern-accented vengeance and weight-lifting. Why not try to escape on
a very slow boat?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s best to read up on orgy etiquette as you don’t want to embarrass
yourself by passing some vintage gimp the wrong way round the spunking

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If a person’s home is a reflection of their personality then you would appear to be a urine-soaked bungalow full of dead postmen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not try and comment on a former client’s lack of class and
sophistication whilst simultaneously acknowledging that you’re quite
happy to take a mouthful of idiot cock so long as the price is right?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
When he was your age, your great-great grandfather waded through a festering Flanders trench filled with dead bodies to escape capture. If he saw you sobbing over your poor A Level results he’d probably paint a target on his bollocks and sprint screaming toward the Germans, you pathetic frigging ponce. Now, what top-up courses were you asking about again?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s time to lay off the Botox when you have to denote surprise by holding up a little sign saying ‘goodness me!’

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As August sighs and gives way to September’s hints of autumn you can once again dust off your trusty old Mackintosh and retire to the park for a nice long wanking session.