Inventor Unveils All-In-One Portable Tragedy Shrine

A BRITISH inventor has developed an all-in-one council estate tragedy
shrine that can be erected within seconds of something ‘sad’ happening.

Sympathise with strangers using wax and tin

The Portagrief weighs just two kilograms and comes pre-loaded with decaying tulips, a poorly-composed sympathy poem and a tatty-looking teddy bear.

Inventor, Martin Bishop, said: “Within moments of something happening to somebody you’ve never met, you can share your fake sadness with friends, neighbours and the audience of Sky News.

“It’s the indispensable item for the childish, mal-educated grief-vampire who wants to appear really upset in as public a way as possible.”

The Portagrief will be offered in three basic models – the Executed Gangsta, the Teenage Traffic Accident and the Little Angel, which will include a card with the message ‘yoos in hevin now’.

Bishop added: “I was watching a Sky News reporter standing outside some council estate shit-igloo and the question suddenly occurred to me – where would the average ghoul in the street get their hands on an elaborate tea light holder at four o’clock in the morning?”

Nikki Hollis, a grade six untermensch from Carlisle, said: “When that toddler went missing from down the road, I had my Portagrief Little Angel outside the family’s door before the police had turned up.

“Unfortunately they found her the next day so she’s not in hevin, which is a shame for her.”