Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m unhappy with my appearance and it’s really starting get me down. The other day, I thought for a split second that John Prescott had stripped naked and broken into our house, but then I realised it was just my reflection in the bedroom mirror. My husband says he loves me no matter what I look like, but I’ve gone off him and want to get my hands on a more discerning man who loves me for my amazing tits and legs, not my Lancashire hotpot. Can you tell me how I can become a size 10 hottie and shake off this loser?

Dear Megan,
What your mummy should have told you is that ladies come in all shapes and sizes, and you should be happy with the way you are, rather than trying to change yourself because it will only make you sad inside. If you were born looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll then you should be happy with what you’ve got because the chances are you will never look like Barbie, and most likely you will spend your life wishing Barbie was dead because she gets to wear all the pretty dresses and go to lots of parties with Ken and GI Joe. But you need to remember that no-one really likes Barbie anyway because she can’t bend her knees properly and she’s only got one vacant expression to match her limited intellect. Worst of all, she’s so hard and angular that she’s rubbish if you want a cuddle, and could easily have your eye out with those fingers. So, you might have a face like a Womble and a body like Tinky Winky, but it could be worse – you could have a boyfriend with a blank space where his winkle should be.
Hope that helps!



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Government trying to work out if 'bumtard' is homophobic

THE government is to launch an inquiry into whether words such as ‘bumtard’ and ‘spangler’ are anti-gay.

Following a £2m research project into the sort of rubbish children come out with at school, the department for education is to examine the origin and use of more than 5000 words that have been used in a playground-based hate crime.

A spokesman said: “We’ve encountered any number of terms that sound vaguely like they might have anti-gay connotations but it’s frustratingly difficult to prove.

“What for instance is a ‘cleft monger’, or a ‘chip-dipper’? Should we be issuing a departmental directive on ‘arsebadger’?”

He added: “Our researchers repeatedly asked pupils at a North London primary school what a spangler is, and they just kept saying ‘Stephen Malley is a spangler’.”

The research team is also trawling the archives at the British Library, in a bid to unearth any historical reference to a gay act of ‘spangling’.

Meanwhile, seven year-old Roy Hobbs was recently labelled a homophobic bigot after he referred to classmate Nathan Muir as ‘a gay’.

He said: “Nathan and I have repeatedly conversed about his nascent sexuality, and he has expressed his preference for boys. I did not mean it in any pejorative sense.

“It’s not like he’s some dirty fucking arsebadger.”