Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other night, I couldn’t get to sleep, and so I was lying awake in the darkness fretting about all my problems, when I became slowly aware of a quiet slapping sound coming from beneath the covers next to me, and a slow, rhythmical movement by my side which gradually gathered pace until suddenly, with a shudder, it ceased. For a few moments I remained frozen, wondering what on earth could have created such a disturbance, but then it slowly dawned on me that perhaps our house is built over an ancient burial ground or something, and we’re host to some sort of menacing ghoul which has come back from the dead to haunt us. On discussing it over breakfast the following morning, my husband seemed very convinced this was the case. Do you think we should get our priest to perform an exorcism?

Dear Selma,
You must be extremely scared to witness first hand such ghostly goings on. Thank goodness your husband is there to protect you. I’m not so lucky, having only a handful of rubbish teddy bears and a nightlight to ward off evil spirits. I know for a fact that there’s some sort of evil death monster that lives in my wardrobe, plus something sinister and shadowy with many arms that hides under my bed and wants to grab my ankles. Thankfully, I’ve not actually experienced a physical manifestation like you have, but that’s probably because I never let my feet stick out from under the covers. I asked my granny if there were such things as ghosts and she said something about being visited by the spirit of Bob Monkhouse every night. From experience, the best approach is to jump up suddenly and switch on the light next time it happens, and you’ll probably discover with relief that it’s just the dog rubbing its bumhole on the carpet or something.
Hope that helps!



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Meryl Streep attacks Carlos Tevez

MERYL Streep has revealed how her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has turned her into a swivel-eyed maniac.

The Oscar-winner prepared for her role by spending six months in the gym beating up minors and losing 80 percent of her soul in a punishing regime of dehumanisation.

Famous for her level of preparation, she controversially had one of her children stolen by Neo-Nazis before working on Sophie’s Choice and still suffers from the raging syphilis she contracted prior to filming Out Of Africa.

Streep said: “We were filming a scene in Manchester where I’m driving around in a jeep choosing random Northerners for the firing squad when the director introduced me to a little creature called ‘Tevez’.

“When it opened what I presume was its mouth I heard the Argentinian accent and I just went proper mental.

“The next thing I knew it was two days later, I’m stood outside the gutted ruins of a children’s hospital being interviewed by a police officer and I stink of petrol.”

She added: “I think we all have a dark place inside us but making this film showed me somebody whose dark place was so big it had an airport at either end of it.”

Meanwhile the director of Long Black Tongue: The Margaret Thatcher Story said her biggest challenge was making a film with the least sympathetic protagonist in cinematic history.

Phyllida Lloyd added: “Forest Whitaker had a couple of scenes where Idi Amin was bullishly charismatic and at least Darth Vader had a light saber.

“But Meryl is so convincing that on several occasions we had to stop filming after I’d thrown a chair at her while shouting ‘that’s for the Poll Tax, you manky old c**t’.”