Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When renegotiating your phone contract this week, rather than going for one with loads of free texts get the one that’s covered in cyanide.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You know that person on your commute that plays crap music really loudly, keeps elbowing fellow passengers and has breath like a bag full of dead badgers? No? Okay, there’s a reason for that…

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week convince your gran she’s got Alzheimer’s by keeping a store of clothes from the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s in her parlour and changing outfit every time you leave the room to make a cup of tea.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your presentation ceremony for 25 years’ service without a single day’s sick leave is somewhat spoiled by a cumulative attack of self awareness that has you foetal, screaming and asking the universe what you’ve done with your life.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The restaurant you’re going to this weekend has a ‘smart casual’ dress code. Try tartan trews and a sports bra.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not really challenge people’s support for freedom of speech by being an almost unbearably self-important prickbag?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. Neverthless, could you point the gun at someone else please?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Forced to steal 50 cars by a ruthless gangster threatening to kill your
younger brother, you have to hurriedly assemble a crack squad of – let’s
be honest about this – scousers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Having no plans for the next six to eight years, you reflect on the
wisdom of making the ‘blahblahblah’ hand gesture while the judge is
doing his summing up.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Now’s the time to make your dreams come true. What about that one with Justin Bieber and the entire San Francisco chapter of the Hell’s Angels?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After accidentally catching 30 seconds of Glee last month the screaming has subsided and you are finally able to sleep with the light off but you won’t be able to keep down solids for about another fortnight.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve managed to strike a fair balance in your home, with you doing all
the cooking, cleaning and shopping and your other half doing all the
not bringing up the affair you had with her best friend.


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Tories get 100% of funding from people who don't like socialism

THE Tories get all of their money from people who are not hellish keen on left-wing politics, it emerged today.

Research by the sinister sounding Bureau for Investigative Journalism revealed that in 2010 some people who suspected Gordon Brown was going to tax the shit out of them gave money to his opponent instead.

The figures have led to furious accusations that the Tory Party is now in thrall to people who believe in capitalism and free markets.

Shadow chancellor Ed Balls said: “This is a clear attempt by people who do not like socialism to try and stop it from happening.

“This is precisely why we need legislation to end the undue influence on our political system of people who do not want to pay huge amounts of tax and have their businesses run by the likes of me.”

But the row has also led to renewed claims that Labour is being 100% funded by people who believe the government should own everything and that everyone should be exactly the same.

Mr Balls added: “But left wing people are nicer than right wing people. Even a child understands that.”

Helen Archer, from North London, said: “Fat cats, same old Tories, scratching each others backs, social justice, won’t extend my overdraft or let me remortgage so I can buy a new Golf.”

But Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “The thing about the Tory donors is that they think socialism is shit. And it is. Have you tried being Cuban? It’s just awful.

“And anyway, I’m pretty sure Britain was asked to choose between bankers and trade unions last May and it chose bankers. At least those bastards know how to make money.”