Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m having terrible trouble getting
women to sleep with me, even though I have my chat-up technique honed
to a fine art. Basically, after I have discretely drawn the woman’s
attention to my semi-erect manhood by rubbing it slowly with a gloved
hand and gesturing towards it with ‘come-to-bed’ eyes, I then
purposefully allow my tongue to trace the outer edges of my lips,
perhaps allowing a small stream of spittle to sexily trickle down my
chin. I then begin to breathe deeply and heavily like some kind of
sexually charged wild animal, all the time sliding closer and closer
to to my quarry. Unfortunately, by the time I get within shagging
distance, I’ve been ejected from whichever premises I happen to be in
at the time and soon find myself in a frustrated heap by the side of
the road. Can you offer any suggestions as to how I evade capture to
ensure I finally get the chance to sex a helpless maiden?

Dear Geoffrey,
In my school weve got a special unit
run by Mrs Waddle for those kids who apparently require a bit of
extra supervision due to having what the teachers refer to as
‘complex learning needs’. The kids in Mrs Waddle’s class are only
allowed crayons for art because they like to eat poster paint and
insert sharpened pencils in other people’s ears, and they think it’s
ok to stick their hands in their pants or tell the headmaster he’s a
droopy horse cock during morning assembly. If you ever walk past Mrs
Waddle’s classroom, it’s likely that there’ll be someone standing
on the table with no trousers on, or holding a chair above their
heads and shouting ‘fanny’ over and over again, or even wiping
something suspicious and brown on the window pane. Apparently you’re
not to laugh at them because it only encourages their silly behaviour
and if you notice one of them making a run for it across the
playground, you’re to tell the teacher straight away. It sounds like
you also have complex learning needs and should maybe spend some time
in the special unit. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of girls in
there too, even if they do have massive foreheads and hairy knuckles,
and think it’s perfectly acceptable to torture a guinea pig.
Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your workmates are unimpressed when they have a charity collection for Japan and you refuse on the grounds that Mick Karn was a poor man’s Simon Le Bon.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s just another Manic Monday. To be followed by Unimaginable Slough of Deep Depression Tuesday.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s not a ‘quick aperitif before dinner’ if it takes two waiters to carry it to your table and you have to sign a notarised liability waiver.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A great week for your burgeoning People You Have a Burning Hatred For That’s Completely Out of Proportion to Any Perceived Wrongs They May Have Committed List as you add that small child in the Morrisons advert who goes ‘Myyyy daaaad saaays’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
What seems like an unexpected pleasure could turn into something more irritating than enjoyable. Like being pounced on by Scarlett Johansson while you’re eating soup.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In the most exciting development in your life for over 20 years, the off-license and betting shop opposite your house will finally be joined by a Greggs. The trifecta is complete.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week a certain someone will read something into your body language. Then again, it could be the fact that he’s tied to a chair and Stuck in the Middle With You is on the stereo.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
How does Batman’s mum call him in for his dinner? She doesn’t. His parents’ savage and untimely death as a child is what ultimately leads him to become the Dark Knight.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you realise your new haircut is unsuccessful when people keep asking if you’ve had brain surgery.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fortunately the celestial realm of the mystics is unsullied by the crass commercialism of modern society, as I explore in detail in my forthcoming book and diet plan.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After claiming you were being ironically racist, the judge finds you ironically guilty of inciting racial hatred and sarcastically sentences you to 200 hours of post-modern community service.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s time to tear down the very foundations of society with pure thought, make the angels themselves weep crystalline tears of joy at your brilliance and watch as your name becomes a byword for the pinnacles of human achievement. You just have to watch Deal Or No Deal first.