Amber Rudd’s guide to banning things that should clearly be illegal anyway

By home secretary Amber Rudd

I HAVE just taken the bold step of banning knives in colleges and carrying acid in public, but my clampdown on obviously bad things does not stop there. Here I explain my plans in detail.

Selling cocaine to children

Although dealing cocaine is already illegal, selling it to children merits its own offence because they only have limited pocket money. A long-overdue clarification of the law.

Taking a machine gun to work

There is no good reason for taking a machine gun to work unless you are planning a massacre. An Uzi or Schmeisser MP-40 may make you feel important in the office, but it is simply not necessary for tasks like filing and eating biscuits.

Impersonating a helicopter pilot

Taking people for rides in a helicopter is irresponsible if you only know how to fly it from watching Airwolf.

Chasing teenagers through the woods with a chainsaw

Great fun, you might think – until someone loses an arm. Soon to be outlawed under the Fleeing College Girls & Tree-Felling Devices Act 2018.

Keeping TV presenters as pets

You may love Holly Willoughby or Ant and Dec but keeping them in a cage in your basement is unfair to other TV viewers. Will carry a penalty of up to a year in prison and a £75 fine.

Sexually harassing otters

You may consider it harmless to shout “Nice whiskers, darling!” at an otter or cop a good feel of their sleek, wet hindquarters, but it is still sexual harassment. Punishable with up to 200 hours community service (but not at a wildlife sanctuary).