Amber Rudd's guide to banning things that should clearly be illegal anyway

By home secretary Amber Rudd

I HAVE just taken the bold step of banning knives in colleges and carrying acid in public, but my clampdown on obviously bad things does not stop there. Here I explain my plans in detail.

Selling cocaine to children

Although dealing cocaine is already illegal, selling it to children merits its own offence because they only have limited pocket money. A long-overdue clarification of the law.

Taking a machine gun to work

There is no good reason for taking a machine gun to work unless you are planning a massacre. An Uzi or Schmeisser MP-40 may make you feel important in the office, but it is simply not necessary for tasks like filing and eating biscuits.

Impersonating a helicopter pilot

Taking people for rides in a helicopter is irresponsible if you only know how to fly it from watching Airwolf.

Chasing teenagers through the woods with a chainsaw

Great fun, you might think – until someone loses an arm. Soon to be outlawed under the Fleeing College Girls & Tree-Felling Devices Act 2018.

Keeping TV presenters as pets

You may love Holly Willoughby or Ant and Dec but keeping them in a cage in your basement is unfair to other TV viewers. Will carry a penalty of up to a year in prison and a £75 fine.

Sexually harassing otters

You may consider it harmless to shout “Nice whiskers, darling!” at an otter or cop a good feel of their sleek, wet hindquarters, but it is still sexual harassment. Punishable with up to 200 hours community service (but not at a wildlife sanctuary).

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Are you going to lose your umbrella this week?

YOU are, but you might as well take our test to prove it.

Are you, at any point this week, planning to go to: work, the pub, the cinema, a restaurant, on public transport?

A. Yes I am.

Result: You are definitely going to forget your umbrella in one of these places.

Is your umbrella so big and brightly coloured that you can’t miss it when you get up to go outside unless you are a moron?

A. Yes it is.

Result: It doesn’t matter, you’re going to walk past it anyway.

Is your umbrella expensive enough to make you really paranoid about losing it?

A. Absolutely.

Result: Smart thinking, but you’re 100 per cent going to lose it and all the money you spaffed on it.

Have you now put your umbrella somewhere blindingly obvious – like across your own feet – so you can’t possibly fail to see it when you leave?

1. I’m actually just going to keep holding it in my hand.

Result: You could store it in your arse and it would still somehow disappear before the end of the day. Just take comfort in the fact that in a couple of months you’ll be worrying about losing your sunglasses instead.