Stressed woman thinks coffee will make her less stressed

A STRESSED woman is certain that a very strong coffee will make her feel more relaxed.

Helen Archer said: “I’ve got quite a lot on at the moment and I’m pretty sure this coffee will sort me right out.

“I don’t think it will be like all the other times I’ve had coffee where I ended up paralysed by my own anxiety, twitching in a ball, unable to make coherent decisions or focus on one specific task.

“This coffee will just help me to get my head in the game and increase my productivity so I have less to stress about. Even if I do get heart palpitations, think about how much I’ll get done!

“Also, coffee shops always play such relaxing music and have such comfy chairs, it’s impossible not to feel calm and in control here.”

Archer then opened four different Word documents, started sentences on all of them, then closed them all and opened up BBC News, closing it quickly, opening Facebook, closing Facebook, clicking back to one of the opened Word documents, deleting all the words on it, closing the file and then throwing her computer against a door.

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Rise in violent crime unrelated to police cuts, Tories and criminals agree

THE Conservatives and violent criminals have issued a joint statement stating that rising crime figures are nothing to do with the loss of 20,000 police officers. 

The statement, signed by home secretary Amber Rudd and a dozen leaders of UK-based crime syndicates, agrees the 20 per cent rise in gun and knife crime and slashed police budget bear no relation to each other. 

Glasgow-based narcotics importer Bill McKay said: “The Tories and us both know: the less police, the less crime. 

“Getting a ‘serious telling off’ from a community support officer just isn’t the same as getting properly nicked. It’s too easy now to have a lucrative criminal career.

“I’ve actually turned to paragliding to get a bit of adrenaline. I’ll probably become an instructor and just do a bit of crime at weekends.”

Rudd said: “The rise in crime is due to low wages, benefit cuts, high rents, Brexit, income inequality, spiralling inflation and our fractured society. 

“Stuff like that.”