Are you a smug dickhead homeowner?

ENJOY curling up on your massive sofa as you survey your tasteful living room? Then you could be a smug dickhead homeowner. Take this test to find out. 

What is your sofa like?

A) A cheapish padded oblong bought for its ability to hide stains.

B) A bright velvet ‘signature piece’ on which you leave out books and newspapers as though they’ve just been read even though you just watch Netflix whilst eating sea salt and arseholes flavoured popcorn? 

What kind of bath do you have?

A) A bog standard plastic surround bath.

B) A roll-top bath that for some reason you’ve decided to put in your bedroom in which you soak for hours wondering whether or not you should start a blog about puddings.

What colour are your walls?

A) I hadn’t thought about it until I read this. Blue? White? I’ll have to go and check.

B) Grey because it’s fashionable even though it makes the house look like an open prison.

Is there a glass structure attached to your house?

A) Yes, a leaky conservatory that the previous owner probably died in.

B) We constructed an elegant yet contemporary ‘reflection space’ with factory style glass doors, hanging plants and a large grey stone Buddha. It’s where we do coke at weekends.

Mostly As – Congratulations you are bog standard.  

Mostly Bs – Congratulations you’re an intolerably smug pretentious prick of a homeowner. When can we come and have a nose around?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Years of tedious bollocks definitely what we voted for, say Brexiters

BREXITERS love intricate trade negotiations and definitely did not vote in a mindless patriotic frenzy, they have confirmed.

As the UK agreed Brexit ‘transition terms’, Leavers said they had been fully expecting endless discussions about tedious things like fishing access and regulatory compliance.

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “When I voted to leave the EU I was hoping there’d be a good debate about airline regulations. It’s hilarious to suggest it was anything to do with foreigners.

“I might have made the odd comment like ‘This’ll show those German bastards!’ but that was just frustration at the lack of public discussion about British jam exports.

“None of the Brexiters I know cares about immigrants. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest if there are millions of Poles on the bus all jabbering away like they’re in bloody Stalingrad.”

Hairdresser and Leave voter Nikki Hollis said: “Brexit is really complicated but that’s great because I love learning new things like how EU meat tariffs work.

“Some of my Brexiter friends kept making references to World War 2 and Agincourt but they were clearly just having a laugh, apart from the ones who are in Britain First.”