ENJOY curling up on your massive sofa as you survey your tasteful living room? Then you could be a smug dickhead homeowner. Take this test to find out.
What is your sofa like?
A) A cheapish padded oblong bought for its ability to hide stains.
B) A bright velvet ‘signature piece’ on which you leave out books and newspapers as though they’ve just been read even though you just watch Netflix whilst eating sea salt and arseholes flavoured popcorn?
What kind of bath do you have?
A) A bog standard plastic surround bath.
B) A roll-top bath that for some reason you’ve decided to put in your bedroom in which you soak for hours wondering whether or not you should start a blog about puddings.
What colour are your walls?
A) I hadn’t thought about it until I read this. Blue? White? I’ll have to go and check.
B) Grey because it’s fashionable even though it makes the house look like an open prison.
Is there a glass structure attached to your house?
A) Yes, a leaky conservatory that the previous owner probably died in.
B) We constructed an elegant yet contemporary ‘reflection space’ with factory style glass doors, hanging plants and a large grey stone Buddha. It’s where we do coke at weekends.
Mostly As – Congratulations you are bog standard.
Mostly Bs – Congratulations you’re an intolerably smug pretentious prick of a homeowner. When can we come and have a nose around?