Are you a stereotype?

MEDIA stereotypes of ‘hunky’ firemen have been criticised for deterring female recruits. So are you a stereotype at work or at leisure? Take our quiz and find out.

You are an office worker. What is that like?

A. Quite interesting at times and there’s some foreign travel.
B. You are constantly being told to ‘get that report on my desk by 5pm’. Colleagues do not have surnames and are referred to as ‘Brenda from accounts’. You conduct a romance in the store room instead of behaving like a normal fucking adult.

How do you go about your hobby of taking cannabis?

A. I’m just a normal person who enjoys a regular toke with friends.
B. I wear a rasta hat and finish every sentence with ‘man’. I am weirdly calm in stressful situations because I am always ‘high’. My life’s ambition is to procure a rare strain of potent cannabis and construct a spliff the size of a torpedo.

Describe being a fighter pilot.

A. I follow complex orders to the letter and observe strict safety and weapons protocols.
B. I perform reckless manoeuvres that stand a high chance of killing myself and others. I also get paid for insulting superior officers in a juvenile way.

What does your job as a police officer involve?

A. Mostly traffic offences, checking on vulnerable people and restraining drunks.
B. Mostly unprofessional things, eg. sleeping with witnesses, tasting any drugs you find and doing stunts with your car. But you’re bound to be strung-out with only 48 hours to crack the case.

You are blonde. What is your life like?

A. I go to work, socialise and have hobbies like my book group.
B. Everything I do goes wrong because I am so dense, from using a blender to dyeing my hair. I only ever read vapid magazines and cry constantly about trivial problems.

Mostly As: You are not a stereotype. Try to be more stereotypical because otherwise it is confusing for idiots.

Mostly Bs: You are a dreadful stereotype, but the good news is you may be able to find well-paid work appearing in adverts, Hollywood films and lazy TV dramas.

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You have measles because daddy reads bullshit on the internet, child told

A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that. 

Hayley Muir, aged three, was informed that she is currently suffering due to her father’s distrust of the ‘biased mainstream media’, which helps him feel like an interesting person.

Hayley said: “Daddy says MMR is a conspiracy to give children autism. I asked a few basic childish questions like ‘who’, ‘why’, and ‘is it working’ but dad said I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

“I asked if all my friends at school would get measles and he said no, they’ve had the vaccine. I said that wasn’t fair and he said the medical malpractice of using children as guinea pigs isn’t fair.

“Dad claims his theories are supported by such thinkers as 90s FHM favourite Jenny McCarthy and Donald Trump. I said I’d heard enough and bring me more Lucozade.”

Father Nathan Muir said: “She’s too wrapped up in her own troubles to understand what a bold, disruptive position anti-vaxxing is and what a visionary I am.

“I wish my father had stopped me getting vaccinated when I was younger. Selfish bastard.”