Are you a tragic loser obsessed with the royals?

ARE you the sort of sad case who genuinely cares which posho nursery Princess Charlotte goes to? Take the test to find out.

What keeps you awake at night?

A. Money worries, wondering where your life is going.
B. Fretting about whether Princess Charlotte will inherit the pleasing good looks of Kate and Diana or turn out like a female Prince Charles.

When you heard about Prince Harry’s engagement what did you do?

A. Didn’t care or wished them well in a totally abstract sort of way.
B. Wept tears of joy as if it were my own child and sent a formal letter of congratulations that went straight in the palace shredder.

What is in your spare room?

A. An old PC, boxes of crap like Jeffrey Archer novels and a mattress.
B. £55,000-worth of overpriced royal tat accumulated over the years, including ‘limited edition’ plates, VHS tapes of Prince Andrew’s ‘fairytale’ wedding and a frankly disturbing lifelike Prince George doll.

You discover the Duchess of Cambridge recently wore a blue hat. What do you do?

A. Not give a shit.
B. Google “kate blue hat”, discuss the blue hat at length online, wonder if you should buy a similar hat, then repeat the whole process the next day when Kate wears a green hat.

How should the press cover royal news?

A. As an aside to real news.
B. In the style of the Daily Mail with an unending stream of articles about meaningless non-events written in a sickeningly twee style, for example, ‘That’s a BIG yawn for a little princess, Charlotte!’


Mostly As. You are sane and do not need to buy a Royal Doulton figure of Princess Eugenie.

Mostly Bs. You are tragically, pathetically addicted to royal bullshit. Start collecting those Daily Mail coupons for a £12.95 set of Charles and Camilla coasters immediately.

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Woman enters fourth day of circling Sainsbury's car park

A WOMAN has reached the limits of physical endurance after spending 96 hours trying to park at a supermarket.

Francesca Johnson, who had hoped to “get a few bits for Christmas” joined the queue to enter the Cirencester branch of Sainsbury’s on Saturday and has since been driving round and round the car park at two miles per hour, battling hunger and sleep deprivation.

Johnson said: “I had a brief moment of elation a couple of hours ago when I thought I’d spotted a space, but as I got closer I realised it was just some scumbag who’d hidden a Fiat Seicento behind a Land Rover.

“I found an old packet of Smints in the glove box, that’s the only nourishment I’ve had. When it rains I open the window and catch the droplets on my tongue.

“There is a sense of camaraderie that develops with all the other drivers doing the same thing, but I would rip their heads off with my bare hands if one of them nipped in a space that was clearly mine whilst I performed a three-point turn.

“If I have to drink my own urine later today, so be it. There’s three cars behind me so leaving is hardly an option.

“Soon there will be a space. Soon. Around the next corner. It’s always around the next corner.”