Child told that Wetherspoon is Santa's magic grotto

A FATHER has convinced his young son that a Wetherspoon pub is the home of Santa and his elves.

A long queue for the grotto at a shopping centre prompted Tom Logan to take nine-year-old son David to the no-nonsense pub chain, with its bright lights, festive ambience and happy red faces.

Logan said: “I knew that Wetherspoons had some Christmas decorations and it’s full of people with Santa-like ruddy cheeks and big bellies.

“I told Oscar the customers in tracksuits were elves wearing sports clothes because they have to run fast when delivering all the presents.

“We soon found a bearded fat man sitting on a chair. I popped David on his knee, told him to say what he wanted for Christmas, and hey presto – instant Santa!

“The guy got a bit agitated and muttered something sweary about his ex-wife but I said it was Laplandish for ‘Keep tidying your room and I’ll bring you Star Wars Lego’.

“David even got a present to take home with him. It’s a beermat with some Brexit propaganda on it, or as I prefer to call it, a ‘magic frisbee’.”

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Visiting relatives call with initial list of impossible demands

THE relatives that arrive this weekend have issued their first batch of impossible-to-meet demands, with more to follow. 

The demands, issued via email and phone, include three extra beds, separate vegan and vegetarian Christmas dinners, and a midnight mass but nice and early so everyone can be back in time for Michael McIntyre. 

Carolyn Ryan of Durham said: “They’ve been to my house. Do they think there’s an extra wing lying empty? 

“They’re asking me to accommodate 12 people and a dog that’s very old and incontinent ‘front and back’? And oh, am I aware that Darcy’s gone gluten-free? 

“I’ve been sent pages of the Radio Times with shows circled in four different colours of highlighter, and most of them clash, and apparently that’s my problem to fix. 

“This is demented bullshit.” 

Grandmother Pauline Ryan said: “Christmas should be magical for everyone. You know what I’ve never had? A twelve-bird roast. I’ll send her a quick text.”