Are you a weird Labour MP who’s obviously joined the wrong party?

ARE you an oddball Labour MP who would clearly be more at home in the Conservative Party or UKIP? Take our test…

What is your position on Brexit?
A) Remain, or a Brexit as soft as Angel Delight.
B) Let’s just get out NOW! We don’t need Merkel and Macron robbing us blind to buy panzers for their Euro-wehrmacht.

How do you relax?
A) Reading a book about the challenges of the ‘gig economy’.
B) Fox hunting, breeding poisonous snakes or writing a history of hanging.

Who are your heroes?
A) Clement Attlee, Michael Sheen, Billy Bragg.
B) Iain Duncan Smith, Steven Segal, Darth Vader.

What happens when you appear Question Time?
A) I go on and on and on about the NHS.
B) I’m mistaken for John Redwood.

What are your personal political projects at the moment?
A) Campaigning for more inner-city farms.
B) Cheap fags.

Mostly As
You are a mainstream Labour MP. Try not to vote for any massive wars.

Mostly Bs
Try googling ‘the Labour Party’ and decide if it’s really for you.

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Four new wellness trends that we've just pulled out of our arses

Do you think throwing your money at some ‘holistic regime’ will make you feel better about life? Then why not try one of these:

Gravel healing
Crystals and hot stones are imbued with healing power, apparently, so why not some tiny chips of rock from your driveway? A vigorous gravel rub down will soothe your soul (but not your skin).

Death metal bath
Perhaps you’ve heard of a ‘sound bath’ where listening to gentle Himalayan gongs help you feel deeply relaxed? A death metal bath is pretty much the same, except you will feel rampantly aggressive.

Eat your own excrement
‘Wellness’ is all about pushing the boundaries of ‘wellness’, so eating your own excrement is simply the next frontier beyond drinking your own urine. Remember to use cutlery.

Bareknuckle boxing
Or ‘natural boxing’, as it’s known in wellness circles. It’s well known that boxing burns calories and releases stress, and bareknuckle boxing does the same, but you don’t need to buy any equipment and it changes the shape of your nose.