Remainers really wishing Jean-Claude Juncker wasn't such a git

PEOPLE who want to remain in the EU really wish Jean-Claude Juncker was not so obviously unpleasant.

Remainers across the country admitted they would feel a lot less conflicted if Britain could be negotiating with someone like Antoine de Caunes instead.

Emma Bradford said: “When you see Juncker messing with that woman’s hair or generally coming across like a bloke on Channel 5 who drinks his own piss, I do experience a flicker of doubt.

“And if he could remember to wear the right coloured shoes that would also be a pretty solid bonus.”

Fellow Remainer, Martin Bishop, added: “Michel Barnier comes across okay. At least in that loveless stepfather who’s also a teacher at your school and doesn’t own a TV kind of way.

“Why can’t we be negotiating with ABBA?”

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'Oops, did our advert piss off dickheads?' asks razor blade company

A RAZOR blade company has expressed surprise that its latest advert has pissed off a lot of dickheads.

In a stunning development, the company’s latest campaign – which calls on the #MeToo movement to tell men to be ‘the best they can be’ by not being dreadful – resulted in a totally unexpected backlash from spluttering idiots.

A company spokesman said: “We had no idea that this advert would be so effective, especially after a recent advert for vegan sausage rolls failed so spectacularly to provoke angry middle-aged men.

“Who could have predicted this reaction and the avalanche of free publicity we received from it? Certainly not our marketing department.”

Women, meanwhile, enjoyed the brief interruption in the non-stop flow of adverts telling them they are too fat, shiny, frizzy, spotty, frumpy, slutty, boring, loud, overworked or lazy.