Monday, 25th May 2020

Karma, agrees Britain

BRITAIN has agreed that Theresa May's humiliating defeat is undeniable evidence of karma.

Millions of people rejected the idea that the defeat was due to a flawed Brexit deal and a deeply divided party, insisting it was simply the spiritual law of the universe.

Hairdresser Nikki Hollis said: "I think the mysterious forces of the cosmos have decided she needs to punished for Windrush, her Brexit opportunism and probably even those shit jokes she keeps making.”

Meanwhile, any brief pangs of sympathy for the beleaguered prime minister quickly disappeared when voters remembered who she is and what she is like.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I thought about how awful another setback must be for this poor, stressed-out woman who looks a bit like my mum. Then I thought, ‘Fuck it.’

“I remembered her lying about the cat. And using horrible bigots for her own ends. And putting her own career above the interests of the country. Those are the sort of things bad guys do in films.”

Hollis added: “If you were on a life raft with her she’d probably push you overboard while you were asleep so she could have all the water and survival biscuits.”