Are you fretting enough about your children in a ridiculous middle-class way?

ARE you unable to sleep for worrying that your four-year-old might not get into the LSE? You may be suffering from middle-class fretting. Take our quiz and find out.  

At primary school your child does not come top in a spelling test. What do you do?

A: Nothing.
B: Go to the school and demand the tests are re-marked, then get a posh private English tutor so that people stare at your child like a freak because they keep using words like ‘absquatulate’.

You go on holiday in rural Italy. What does your eight-year-old do?

A: Explore the countryside in a carefree way.
B: Complete a punishing regime of ‘worksheets’ you created about local flora and fauna that are harder work than studying for a botany degree at Imperial College.

Your child produces a cack-handed drawing of stick men killing each other. What is your response?

A: Put it on the fridge.
B: Demand your GP refers them to a child psychologist because of some bollocks article about sociopaths you read in the Observer.

Your partner treats the kids to a KFC bucket. How do you react?

A: It’s no problem – fast food is fine as an occasional treat.
B: Histrionically snatch the bucket off them as if they’re about to tuck into razor blades dipped in strychnine and throw it in the bin, then make a platter of your own ‘fast food’ consisting of raw mushrooms with low-fat yoghurt dip.

What are your children reading at the moment?

A: Harry Potter or ‘young adult’ fiction.
B: They are being forced to read a load of classics you bought them, such as Treasure Island and Prisoner of Zenda, even though you tried reading them yourself but were bored shitless and watched Wonder Woman instead.

What is your worst fear for your children?

A: An accident or serious illness.
B: They will marry someone who drives a van for a living.

Mostly As: You are not doing enough middle-class worrying. Make your children do violin lessons they hate in case they’re the next Menuhin.

Mostly Bs:  Your children will probably turn out intelligent but extremely weird, like Ted Kaczynski, better known as ‘the Unabomber’.

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Dreadful couple referring to 'their' butcher

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have informed you that they got the lamb for tonight’s dinner from ‘their’ butcher. 

Susan and Rory Traherne said they ordered the rack of lamb two weeks ago, paid for it last week and collected it today from their butcher, who they strongly imply did it as a special favour to them.

Susan said: “Clive knows us, you see. He knows what we like.

“He’s not our only butcher – there’s a wonderful man we see at the farmers’ market who’s secured some very special cuts for us – but Clive is our absoute favourite.

“And he’s only five minutes’ drive from our fishmonger! So convenient.”

Guest Joanna Kramer said: “‘Their’ butcher? I’d like to see them call him that it to his face.”