Man accepts that wife losing favourite top is his fault 

A HUSBAND has accepted full blame for his wife losing her favourite top, he has confirmed. 

Tom Booker is also personally responsible for wife Nicola Booker’s missing glasses and one of her green Asics trainers and for her leaving her phone charger at work.

He said: “It’s her grey top, she put it in the wash, the wash has been put away, it can’t have just bloody vanished. But somewhere in that cycle it slipped through my fingers.

“I knew going into this marriage I would have to note the whereabouts of every single thing Nicky owns in case she suddenly decides she needs it.

“Unfortunately, I’m a failure as a husband and can never seem to keep track of her inventory of a thousand-plus items, so I deserve all the criticism I get.

“Occasionally I manage to find whatever it is she’s looking for and deliver the goods expecting praise, but really I’ve just provided her with evidence that it was me who hid it in the first place.”

Nicola Booker said: “I told you to remind me about my charger. Now I’ll have to take my main one to this wedding. If it gets lost, that’s on you.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Child wondering how sh*t a drawing has to be to stay off the fridge

A THREE-YEAR-OLD is wondering how poor her artwork has to be for her parents not to display it on the fridge. 

Eleanor Shaw admitted she used to feel proud when her parents selected a new picture for the kitchen gallery, before noticing there seemed to be no quality control whatsoever.

She said: “This one is a purple shape with some green scribbles. I’m saying it’s a tractor. They’re not seriously going to… Jesus, really?

“And there it is, held up by novelty magnets.”

Shaw added: “I expect some bias. They’re my mum and dad, they love me, I get it. But that doesn’t mean they cease to discriminate entirely. They’re not running Channel 5.

“I brought the ‘tractor’ home from nursery by mistake. There’s a hole in the paper where I painted the same bit blue for five minutes.

“That said, my grandmother is even worse. My five year-old sister wrote ‘fat arse’ on an envelope and she framed it and put on her bedside table.”