Not all of UK is enjoying a heatwave, says Scotland yet again

PEOPLE who live in Scotland have stressed, once again, that the UK is experiencing a partial heatwave.

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “The sun is out at the moment, but it is not warm.

“And there are quite a few clouds kicking about which can only be described as ‘incredibly Scottish’.

“Oh, there you go, it’s raining.

“Meanwhile there is also a stiff breeze which is really quite chilly. But this is what happens when you live in a country that is next to the North Sea.

“For people in London, the North Sea is a very large body of salt water, underneath which we used to keep our oil.

“Before you bastards nicked it. To put in your fancy fucking cars.

“You certainly don’t seem to need it for heating your ghastly, red-brick houses.

“Anyway, just thought we’d let you know. Enjoy your heatwave, you sunburnt fuckers.”

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Man thought bank was his friend

A MAN’S bank that was incredibly welcoming and friendly has suddenly turned nasty over the relatively trivial matter of a £15,000 loan.

Tom Logan has been threatened with legal action after missing several loan payments, despite years of cheerful leaflets and implied friendship from his bank.

Logan said: “I’m pretty pissed off. Their adverts all show people hanging out and having a nice time together, and now they’re being arsey over a bit of cash.

“They even have a slogan ‘Whenever you need help, we’re here for you’, which is like the theme song from Friends. In fact I thought we were friends, but it turns out they’re totally fake.

“It’s not just the adverts, they were always sending me brochures full of nice pictures and helpful advice about ISAs. They even rang me once to ask my advice on improving their customer service. I thought we were close.

“In my branch the lady always gave me a big smile. I thought she was genuinely pleased to see me but now I’m starting to suspect she’d just been on a training course.”

A spokesman for Northern Prudential said: “Sometimes even the best of friends fall out, and then one friend has to send the bailiffs round to the other friend’s house to take away their car.”