Are you going to lose your umbrella this week?

YOU are, but you might as well take our test to prove it.

Are you, at any point this week, planning to go to: work, the pub, the cinema, a restaurant, on public transport?

A. Yes I am.

Result: You are definitely going to forget your umbrella in one of these places.

Is your umbrella so big and brightly coloured that you can’t miss it when you get up to go outside unless you are a moron?

A. Yes it is.

Result: It doesn’t matter, you’re going to walk past it anyway.

Is your umbrella expensive enough to make you really paranoid about losing it?

A. Absolutely.

Result: Smart thinking, but you’re 100 per cent going to lose it and all the money you spaffed on it.

Have you now put your umbrella somewhere blindingly obvious – like across your own feet – so you can’t possibly fail to see it when you leave?

1. I’m actually just going to keep holding it in my hand.

Result: You could store it in your arse and it would still somehow disappear before the end of the day. Just take comfort in the fact that in a couple of months you’ll be worrying about losing your sunglasses instead.

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Stressed woman thinks coffee will make her less stressed

A STRESSED woman is certain that a very strong coffee will make her feel more relaxed.

Helen Archer said: “I’ve got quite a lot on at the moment and I’m pretty sure this coffee will sort me right out.

“I don’t think it will be like all the other times I’ve had coffee where I ended up paralysed by my own anxiety, twitching in a ball, unable to make coherent decisions or focus on one specific task.

“This coffee will just help me to get my head in the game and increase my productivity so I have less to stress about. Even if I do get heart palpitations, think about how much I’ll get done!

“Also, coffee shops always play such relaxing music and have such comfy chairs, it’s impossible not to feel calm and in control here.”

Archer then opened four different Word documents, started sentences on all of them, then closed them all and opened up BBC News, closing it quickly, opening Facebook, closing Facebook, clicking back to one of the opened Word documents, deleting all the words on it, closing the file and then throwing her computer against a door.