Are you hard?

AM I hard? It’s a question that has perplexed many of mankind’s finest thinkers.

The mere fact that you are sitting reading words off a computer screen means you are almost certainly not. Take our quick test to find out for certain – it’s like an assault course for the mind.

Am I Hard?

1. Where did you go to school?
A. Private school, grammar school, or a ‘good’ comprehensive where Guardian readers have bought all the houses within a nine mile radius.
B. A proper comprehensive where some of the kids look about 34.
C. It wasn’t a school as such, more a pit into which snarling carnivores were tossed while family members placed cash bets.

2. When did you last have a fight?
A. Just this morning I had a run-in on a Doctor Who internet forum.
B. Last week at Boxercise I punched some air quite hard.
C. I am kneeling on someone while reading this.

3. What is your favourite martial art?
A. Yoga.
B. I did karate for three weeks when I was 12.
C. Kickboxing at a gym called ‘Combat War Fighters’ in an industrial unit near Yeovil.

4. Do you think you are hard?
A. I’m emotionally strong although bad break-ups can affect me for months.
B. Yes.
C. All I know is that I have done some bad things, things that haunt me.

Mostly ‘A’: You are one of those puny misfit kids who would befriend an alien in an 80s family film.

Mostly ‘B’: You like to think you are hard but you do internet searches about the crime rate when moving to a new area. You also take paintball far too seriously. It’s quite sad really.

Mostly ‘C’: You are hard. Or at least you would be if you hadn’t clearly lied to impress yourself, which is pathetic when you think about it.


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Women strongly opposed to Nicole Scherzinger

WOMEN are opposed to Nicole Scherzinger, it has been confirmed.

Females from the ages of 15-85 are united in the belief that the Pussycat Dolls singer is totally fake and has never once shown her true personality on television.

Shop assistant, Emma Bradford said: “She just looks like she’s up her own arse. Simple as that.

There’s no way in Hell she has ever eaten one of those yoghurts. She probably only eats trout foie gras and I don’t even know what the fuck that is.”

Women added that their negative feelings toward Scherzinger have nothing to do with the fact she is physically flawless and enjoys coquettish humour with a sexual undertone.

Bradford said: “Myleene Klass is attractive and I saw her on one of those ‘giving birth’ documentaries the other night, going in a birthing pool and having a brew with all the midwives after.

Can’t see Scherzinger doing that. She’d probably want to fill the thing with diamonds before she gave birth in it.

“Then she’d deliberately trip over and get some yoghurt on her face, which is apparently funny because it looks a bit like spunk.”

However men added that they believe Scherzinger seems ‘pretty sound’.