AM I hard? It’s a question that has perplexed many of mankind’s finest thinkers.
The mere fact that you are sitting reading words off a computer screen means you are almost certainly not. Take our quick test to find out for certain – it’s like an assault course for the mind.
Am I Hard?
1. Where did you go to school?
A. Private school, grammar school, or a ‘good’ comprehensive where Guardian readers have bought all the houses within a nine mile radius.
B. A proper comprehensive where some of the kids look about 34.
C. It wasn’t a school as such, more a pit into which snarling carnivores were tossed while family members placed cash bets.
2. When did you last have a fight?
A. Just this morning I had a run-in on a Doctor Who internet forum.
B. Last week at Boxercise I punched some air quite hard.
C. I am kneeling on someone while reading this.
3. What is your favourite martial art?
B. I did karate for three weeks when I was 12.
C. Kickboxing at a gym called ‘Combat War Fighters’ in an industrial unit near Yeovil.
4. Do you think you are hard?
A. I’m emotionally strong although bad break-ups can affect me for months.
C. All I know is that I have done some bad things, things that haunt me.
Mostly ‘A’: You are one of those puny misfit kids who would befriend an alien in an 80s family film.
Mostly ‘B’: You like to think you are hard but you do internet searches about the crime rate when moving to a new area. You also take paintball far too seriously. It’s quite sad really.
Mostly ‘C’: You are hard. Or at least you would be if you hadn’t clearly lied to impress yourself, which is pathetic when you think about it.