Man weirdly aggressive about being a dad

A MAN keeps mentioning his children in a way that is clearly meant to make people respect him, it has emerged.

IT worker and father-of-two Wayne Hayes seems to think he has attained a more important status in society thanks to the fairly commonplace act of procreation.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne keeps saying things like ‘You can’t afford to lose your job when you’ve got kids’ as though it wouldn’t matter to a childless person.

“He also gets quite angry about anything child-related. Today he was ranting about low-quality school dinners as if everyone else in the office was in favour of stuffing his kids with reconstituted chicken fat.

“I think it’s a sort of emotional blackmail to make everyone listen to him, which no one did before he had kids and he just used to drone on about Terry Pratchett novels.”

Hayes said: “I can be vocal about being a parent but that’s only because I love my kids so much and anyone who disagrees with that disrespects all the parents in the world.

“I do discuss using extreme violence against completely hypothetical people who’d harm my kids, but that’s totally different to being a random nutter with anger issues because of the ‘little ones’.”

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Bake Off to make all horrible things go away

THE delightful new series of The Great British Bake Off will make the rest of 2016 seem like a scary, nasty dream, the BBC has confirmed.

When it begins later  this week, the whole of the UK will be enveloped in a dreamy cloud of creamy, buttery happiness.

 A BBC spokesman said: “If people see enough gingham bunting and lovely cakes, they become hypnotised into believing that the world is a cross between Trumpton and heaven.

“All the dreadful things that have happened lately will melt into insignificance thanks to the sight of an ordinary bloke successfully making six identical raspberry mille-feuille.

“An entire nation of seemingly sentient adults can be reduced to floppy, passively benign fools by watching other people say nice things about cake. In fact it’s such an effective form of mind control that the government will no doubt use it as an opportunity to destroy the NHS whilst the general public is tittering over pastry-based innuendos.

“Unfortunately I don’t like cake so the rest of the year will continue to be an absolute shit show for me and others like me.”